Tiger Forgets to Apologize to Women

Update: If sex really is an addiction, Tiger should have apologized to all the women he used as drugs.

At this morning’s press conference, Tiger said he was sorry to his family, his wife, his kids, his fans, his sponsors, but he left out the more than a dozen women he had sex with. Tiger further objectified these women when he only referred to them in his speech as the “temptations” of power and fame.

Tiger, do you get that women are human? Or does that insight come later in your recovery– around day 56 or so?

When porn star Jocelyn James calls a press conference, flanked by Gloria Allred, it’s challenging to have sympathy for anybody in this story. But Tiger had sex with Jocelyn for three years– along with many other women. What enabled him to do that if she’s so sub-human? At the press conference, Tiger apologized to his wife, as he should, of course; he supposedly loves her. But the skill many men acquire to divide women into wives or whores really creeps me out. If there really is such a thing as sex addiction, this dichotomy must fuel it. I imagine any 12 step recovery program would require that Tiger make amends to those he used as part of his “addiction.”

I’m not saying Rachel Uchitel and the porn stars and models and single moms who slept with Tiger are all victims; they could very well be sex addicts themselves who used Tiger just to get off, get fame, or money. But, as far as I know, they aren’t the ones in intensive recovery programs making public apologies. Tiger is. Maybe he’s not there yet in his program, or maybe his other amends will be as private as he famously is. But it would be nice if Tiger– or Kobe Bryant or Bill Clinton or whomever the latest sex scandal powerguy is– added to his standard mea culpa that he’s sorry for treating women like tissue paper. Because these so called private matters become so public, and I’m sick of seeing women split up into homemaker or homewrecker all over the media. I’d like an apology for subjecting women to that all over again.

Here’s what I wrote yesterday:

Are the rumors true? God, I wish she’d just take 300 million or whatever it is and get out of there.

See what I mean about “wife school?” Stand by your man, cheer him on, no matter what.

Gross. Women are biologically capable of putting up with anything! “Family” is so important to us, nothing else really matters. What a horrible example to all of us married people. A talk show host I used to work with would disagree, he’d say it’s a good move, it shows family values, you stick around no matter what.  And then I would say: but reverse their genders– the story becomes unimaginable.

Young woman golf star falls in love with her friend’s hot “manny.” They marry and have two kids; she keeps winning tournaments and doing endorsements. After a few years of appearing as the perfect family, wife and husband get in a huge, violent fight. He goes after her with one of her golf clubs. Soon after, the public starts to learn she’s been sleeping around, about 15 men come out and claim they were with her, including porn stars and hosts. (Does “hostess” in this context even have a male equivalent meaning?) He takes off his wedding ring and retreats with the kids to his home country. Everyone says he is not the kind of guy to take this behavior, he will get the money he can and divorce her; he’ll never take her back. Photographs show up of her in sex rehab in the South. Then they are

pictured at the rehab together. An announcement is coming tomorrow…

You can see the sexism, too, in how the public reacted to the alleged violent fight; because it was a woman who supposedly attacked a man, even sending him to the hospital, there were jokes about the reports of abuse on Letterman and SNL.  Lots of people were saying, empathically, that whatever happened, it was a private matter; police should just stay out of it and the media should back off and leave the couple alone. But domestic violence isn’t a private matter; it needs to be investigated, not ignored. Victims typically recant their stories. It’s not anyone’s right to let himself get beat up or murdered by his mate. It’s against the law.

So I guess today, Tiger will ask for forgivenss for his sexual indiscretion,  just like Bill Clinton, Ted Haggard, Jim Baker and Kobe Bryant before him. (I think I’ll start a list.) I actually believe in forgiveness, I think it’s a skill you can learn just like any other skill. I learned that at a class I took at Stanford taught by Fred Luskin; the class was amazing. Also, anyone who has ever been through a 12 step program knows forgiveness is a crucial step towards recovery, for totally selfish reasons, you must forgive to get well. Forgiveness, by the way, doesn’t mean Elin has to stay with Tiger, or that anyone has to stay with anyone. It means you get to move on with your life and devote your considerable energy to something else instead of nurturing the grudges you were clinging on to for years.

My issue with Tiger and Elin is really that I am so sick of this same, old story, just watching it again again, the version I get of it, as a person in the world, the repetitive scenario: the cheating, powerful guy and his loyal wife. It bores me. I’m so tired of it. I want a new narrative. And I don’t mean the occasional exception (I’m trying to think of a powerful woman that’s cheated and her husband and he’s taken her back after public humiliation to insert here.) I want new archetypes, repeated upon centuries and ingrained into our subconscious, then translated back into our stories, movies, lives, and tabloids. I’m craving something original.

Robert Pattinson “hates vaginas.”

In this month’s Details, cover boy, Robert Pattinson, takes part in one of the most that I’ve seen in mainstream media. I’m bummed, because before coming across this expose, I wasn’t a fan, but I kind of liked Pattinson and his Twilight series.

In Details, Pattinson is pictured several times, always fully dressed, next to totally naked or almost naked women. In one photo, he lies next to a woman who is in a bathtub, her hands gripping the faucets behind her, as if restrained. In another photo, he wears a button down shirt, a blazer, and sunglasses while the woman with him wears nothing but transparent stockings; a third photo shows two naked women, one lying on the ground in a glass coffin type encasing, reminscent of Snow White; there’s just a head shot of Pattinson in the background.

All this you could almost chalk up to typical Details magazine. Not Pattinson’s fault, but the photographer and photo editors telling everyone what to do.

But then Pattinson’s has a quote that clarifies his position on women: “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

What’s weird is that the interviewer, Jenny Lumet, who as in most celebrity profiles, has already chummily inserted herself into the story, chattily telling readers how she and Pattinson drink beer together and trade jokes as they walk by a sex shop. But now, she doesn’t follow up on his statement at all. She just asks him what his mother will think of the soft porn photo shoot.

If it were me there interviewing him, I would have asked Pattinson to clarify: “What do you mean you hate vaginas? You don’t like the way the feel? The way they look? They scare you?”

Or I might say, “I know just what you mean! And penises can be really weird too– veiny and hairy. Frankly, I don’t think genitals should be seen in daylight at all. Twelve hours under bright lights is way too long to be around so many vaginas!”

On the cover of the magazine, Pattinson’s face is shown inbetween a woman’s legs, facing out, half smiling at the camera. His eyes tell his audience, “This is exactly where I belong, and as soon as you stop looking at me, I’m going to turn around and preform the best cunnilingus this woman has ever had.” Maybe the young star felt vulnerable, and he was trying to backtrack, get some control. Or maybe he really does hate vaginas. Does that mean he’s gay? I would’ve asked.

Kim Kardashian, Real Life Trophy Wife?

Cheerladers are bad. There’s no other way to say it. I don’t care if they’re of color or fat or have athletic skill. Being a cheerleader means you’re the sideshow, your role is to make the main event look good; you are not and never will be the star.

Witnessing the archetype blonde haired, blue eyed, super skinny cheerleader transform to allow more diversty in movies like High School Musical only makes me sad; it’s like when Mo’ Nique hosted a reality show on a fat girl beauty contest, or when there was an African-American model on the cover of Vogue and Anna Wintour wrote a self-congratulatory Letter From the Editor about it. Is it progress that women of color get to be anorexic too? Or that fat women are allowed to compete against each other so that a panel of judges can decide who is the prettiest?

The big problem with the cheerleader role is that it serves as a teen training ground for the model of the perfect heterosexual relationship; it’s like wife school. The hot girl cheers on her talented guy, standing by her quarterback, loyally, faithfully, whether he wins or loses; her admiration is constant and her love is true.

Who doesn’t have fantasy about her partner being totally focused on her, sticking around no matter what, celebrating when she does well, cheering her up every time she’s down? We all want that. But men, the guys in power, got to actually create that reality for themselves and reproduce it everywhere.

If you watched any of the superbowl, you likely saw dueling couples: former Playboy bunny Kendra Baskett with her Indianoplois Colt husband, Hank Baskett, versus Playboy model Kim Kardashian, girlfriend of Saint, Reggie Bush. Kim proudly flashed her nails for the cameras, painted with Reggie’s name and his number, 25. Rumor has it that if  Bush won, he would propose, making Kardashian a real life trophy wife.

Maybe cheerleaders will be Ok with me when there are all male squads who rally on the pro-women teams at giant sporting events watched all over the world; when those guys are considered a catch, the hyper-sexual mates for the celebrated women athletes. I wonder if Kim can play soccer?

The Serpent Slayer ***GGG***

The subtitle of this collection is: And Other Stories of Strong Women. It’s a great book, with exciting narratives and beautiful illustrations. Every story is fabulous. I’ve done many searches on Amazon and in bookstores and somehow never saw this book, so I was thrilled when Lucy got it as a Christmas gift. It has a quite a bit of text per picture, so younger kids may get bored.

Still Looking for Alice…

This week’s People Magazine has a “sneak peak” at Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Johnny Depp, as usual, pictured front and center as the Mad Hatter. To his left, a Dodo, to his right, Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen. At least there’s one female, but where is Alice in this promo for her movie???

Please check out the comments I got under my last blog entry about Alice, also mentioning Up and Fantastic Mr. Fox and the lack of females. The commetator thought these movies were not sexist, because there was a Mrs. Fox and in that movie, a kid also had a love interest who was a girl. Can you imagine a movie called Fantastic Ms. Fox where all three villians were female as was Ms. Fox’s whole possy? It would be some crazy feminist movie.

Chubby!

Today Lucy called me chubby. I told her what I always tell her, “There’s nothing wrong with being chubby. People come in all sizes. Some people are small, some are big, some have dark hair, some have yellow hair. People are different.”

She said,”You’re the only person in the whole world that thinks that.”

The first time I heard her call someone fat, it was her father, about six months ago. So I said my line, “There’s nothing wrong with being fat.” And my husband looked at me and said, “You think I’m fat?”

No one would call either of us fat or chubby unless she was a kid who thought she was saying a bad word. Unfortunately, Michelle Obama’s obesity campaign is exacerbating America’s weight obsession . It’s a continuation of the unrelenting focus on female body sizes and what they should look like.

For example, there’s no step towards health or progress of awareness that tabloids have become as obsessed with anorexic stars as they are with fat ones. It’s another headline to sell magazines, a popular thing to yell out for attention whether you’re a magazine, a first grader, or a first lady.

It drives me crazy when people whisper, “She’s a size double zero!” Why don’t they headline that the actual clothing sizes have gotten drastically smaller. There was no double zero ten years ago. There wasn’t even a zero. You rarely saw a size 2 in a store. I know this because I am a petite person. I am the same size now that I was then but now it’s a different number.

I wish Michelle Obama would focus the nation on empowering women, and healthy weights would follow. But I guess that’s too radical and first ladies need causes that are non-threatening, preferably child centered. At least now she’s got Laura Bush as her role model.

(Please also see my post on diets and also .)

Puff, the Magic Dragon

This story used to make me so sad, I could barely stand it. Whenever I heard Peter, Paul, and Mary sing it, I’d have to turn it down, get out of the room, or cover my ears, and I’m referring to my time as a parent. Jackie Paper comes no more? Puff’s “head is bent in sorrow, geen scales fell like rain…Puff, that mighty dragon, sadly slipped into his cave.” Does he just die? Alone like that? After all that frolicking in the mist, that’s how it all ends? Horrible. I can’t take it.

But now everything is OK. After all these years, a beautifully illustrated version came out in 2007, where a girl saves the day, saves Puff, saves us all. The lyrics are ilustrated just as you can imagine, until the text repeats the chorus for the final time. Then a girl is shown climbing down a hill, spotting puff, who smiles gleefully  at her. On the next page, she strokes him under hs chin while he presses his nose toward her forehead, her father looking on in the background, also smiling.

Thank God Peter Yarrow had a daughter and was inspired to come out with this book. In his author’s notes, he writes that he recorded a special CD with Bethany (which comes with this book.) Lenny Lipton writes in his author’s notes that when he was in Hawaii, a friend asked him how he came to set the book in Hanalei, and he said he’d never heard of Hanalei. (I never realized the island sounded Hawaiian until I read this.)  He goes on to write, “There are many what-ifs along the way with Puff. I left a poem in Peter Yarrow’s typewriter, and he added  some new lyrics and turned it into a song.”

This book makes me think Yarrow, Lipton, and Yarrow’s daughter were as troubled by Puff’s sad story as me and probably millions of parents and kids. My mom got this book for my daughters, and now when we hear the song, Granny tells how Puff was so sad, but then Alice came! My three year old lights up every time she hears that. It’s amazing this song has transformed from tragic and all male into a happy, girlpower story just with a couple illustrations (see, guys, that’s all a little imagination takes.) The interpretation that this song was about marijuana/ addiction has never consoled me. This beautiful book does.

The Supergirls

Check out this written for SFgate by Woodhull Institute alumn Lisa Hix. The article, about a new book called The Supergirls, claims that SF author Mike Madrid is finally giving superheroines their due. Yay, it’s about time!

I love this quote from Madrid, author of The Supergirls, just because it is so right on: “When I was growing up in the ’60s, a lot of guys didn’t like the women in comics, because they thought they were useless and annoying. The women were there to escalate the danger. They were supposed to be members of the team, but often times they created extra work because the men had to rescue them.”

How many of us have sat in movie theatres screaming at the women not to do all the stupid things the films’ writers, directors, and producers make these actresses do? It’s mind programming on such a massive scale, getting audiences all over the world accustomed to seeing women act passive, frightened, and dumb.

I haven’t seen this new book, but am excited to check it out. When I got Wonder Woman for my daughter, she asked me “Why is she always in her underwear?” So I’m hoping at least some of these supergirls have clothes on and no implants along with doing brave things; I’ve been so disappointed in female superheroines of the past, with their tiny skirts and missle  breasts, looking like sex fantasies of teen boys instead of girlpower. I’m a little nervous that the author of The Supergirls is a guy, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt because he sounds so smart. Ratings on this book coming as soon as I get it.

The Seven Chinese Sisters ***GGG***

The book begins with a double page illustration of all the sisters lined up, smiling, but looking directly at the reader. I’m always trying to teach Lucy to look people in the eye when she is talking to them and to speak with a strong voice. I get no help from all these shy princesses and shy girls in movies and books, always coyly looking away. Even books I like such as Louder Lily and Shrinking Violet are about timid girls; it frustrates me that acting shy is so often presented in kid lit and kids’ media as the essence of femininity. Are there any books about shy boys? Please let me know, I want read them to my kids. God knows there are shy boys in real life and this giant discrepancy in the fiction world makes no sense. I guess when the girls appear shy, it’s an easy way to make boys seem brave.

These seven sisters are courageous and cool and beautiful. Each sister has a special skill– driving a scooter as fast as the wind, the ability to speak to dogs, catching any ball no matter how high. All these talents come in handy  when a dragon kidnaps the baby and her older sisters must rescue her (so it’s also a good opportunity to teach kids about foreshadow.)

The dragon is bright red and the pictures are vivid and magical looking. My three year old absolutely loves the picture of the dragon grabbing up the baby sister, she’ll just stare at it for minutes at a time. There are many action shots including the girls speeding up the mountian in the scooter, leaping high to slap the dragon, catching the baby when she is tossed through the air.

I also like this story because it turns out the dragon is wicked because he is so lonely. I’m always telling my kids that’s why people are bad or mean– they didn’t get enough love and just need more. I hope this is true.

Kell on Earth

I’ve been a Kelly Cutrone fan since she first appeared as Whitney Port’s boss on The Hills, MTV’s hit reality show about young women trying to get rich and famous in LA (problem is, they are already rich and famous from being on the show– very meta– but the program, somehow avoids showing any of that, except you’ll see Heidi Montag and her apparently totally unemployed husband, Spencer, move from their condo to a huge, gorgeous house with crazy views.)

For those who don’t know of her, Kelly owns a fashion/ PR company called People’s Revolution. Whitney Port got a job there when her Teen Vogue internship was up, and then brought along her friend Lauren Conrad. Then Whitney moved to NYC to work for Diane Von Furstenburg for a season, but now she’s back working with Kelly who is suporting/ mentoring her as she tries to launch her own fashion line.

So in case you can’t tell, I’ve been watching this MTV show since Laguna Beach days. None of these shows are for kids, but for a tired mom at the end of the day– perfect. It’s a great, mindlesss accompaniment to reading my weekly tabs. When the kids are asleep, my husband is working, I have some quiet, alone time for just half an hour, about once a week. There’s nothing like it.

Kelly Cutrone fascinates me because she works in the model/ fashion business but her hair is always kind of stringy, pulled back in a pony tail. She wears black head to toe, usually a long sleeved shirt black shirt and pants, no make up. Yet, you see her critiquing models and fashion all the time– and she’s right on with everything she says. How does she do it? How does she live and work in this world, be so succesful and not internalize any of it? It’s like she has magical powers, can get close to kryptonite and be immune. Is it that putting on great fashion shows is just like she’s creating any kind of a product, like say, sofas, so of course she’s not going to get all upset because she doesn’t look like her sofa?

On an Episode of The City, Kelly famously told a model, Ali, that she was too thin. It was great to hear that kind of honesty on this insane show (of course Ali denied it and freaked out, she was born thin, has always been thin, has hgh metabolism) though I don’t really see Ali’s body as much different than the multitude of skinny girls on the show.

I think its cool that Kelly has her own very successful business, looks like she employs almost allwomen and mentors them too. I’d like to have her on my side. It’s actually Kelly Cutrone that gave me the push to start blogging. I was reading in the NY Times Style section sometime in December I think, an article about fashion shows, and how some bloggers have reached the same status as fashion mags and these editors are up in arms about it. Kelly is quoted saying something like, “Would I put a blogger from Oklahoma in the front row next to an editor an Elle? Yes.” Before that, as a writer who achieved some level of success freelancing in “old media”, I was avoiding blogging– anyone can do it? you don’t have to pitch an editor? You don’t get paid for your wrting? Who reads it? I’m still a new blogger and don’t understand completely why I’m doing it (or even what an RSS feed is) but if Kelly is into it, so am I.

Kell on Earth is a new reality show just  about Kelly. Again, not for kids, but I’ll definitely check it out.