In the Apple TV series ‘Your Friends and Neighbors,’ the protaginist, Coop, played by Jon Hamm is falsely accused of sexual misconduct, he’s fired from his job, chaos ensues.
Here on Reel Girl, we’ve been tracking movies, series, and books where sympathetic male protagonists are falsely accused of sexual misconduct. Here are the series I’ve watched in THE LAST MONTH that depict charges of rape, sexual assault, violence against women, and sexual misconduct manipulated, fabricated, simply made up to manipulate victims. That’s right, the sympathy is with the victims of manipulation. Poor Coop did nothing wrong. He’s a good guy. And as a viewer, our empathy, once again, is directed to the promising man.
When we as a audience, as the public, watch this story of victimhood on repeat, we get trained in real life to look for motives, to distrust stories of sexual misconduct, violence against women, sexual assault, and rape. These stories influence our ability and capacity to believe women, and when we hear stories like Jane Doe saying she was raped by 7 men at Cornell, we have a biased filter that has created our cultural mythology, from the Bible to Greek Mythology to HBO to not believe women.
‘Your Friend and Neighbors’ makes a mockery of all the work women have done for equal rights and protection in the work force. Even the woman who Coop had sex with isn’t the villain in this story, their mutual boss wanted to fire Coop and manipulated the relationship for that end. See how vulnerable women’s rights make us all?
I loved ‘Furious’ and ‘Lucky’ for so many reasons, but both series depict female characters who make up stories about being attacked in order to get sympathy. Even though I’m a fan of these new series, here on ReelGirl, we’re tracking times when we see women tell fake stories of victimhood. As consumers of fictional media—books, movies, series etc— we’re so used to witnessing women lie in the imaginary world, we’re trained to reflexively distrust women’s stories. This bias is a liability that leaks into the real world when we hear women speak out about rape and assault. The characters in Furious and Lucy ARE victims of violence and they also create imaginary instances where they were attacked, the message being we can’t trust them to tell the truth.
In ‘Furious,’ serial killer, Catherine, lies about an abusive boyfriend in order to be admitted to a women’s shelter. In the series, Catherine has a long history of multiple rapes, it’s lazy writing to see her lie for sympathy.
Lucky, played by Anna Taylor Joy, applies make-up so it looks like she has. a black eye, then tells a truck driver that she’s got an abusive boyfriend to convince him to give her a ride.
On Reel Girl, I’ve been blogging for years about raising my kids as intuitive eaters so now we have archive of something I think is pretty rare: a record of what it was like to bring up daughters with no eating disorders. Now my kids are 22, 19, and 17. Check out this video as the latest exploration about often misguided (but not always) attempts to be “safe” and “successful” and “healthy” as a female living in a patriarchy.
What do you feel when you read that quote? What does it even mean?
I’m the mother of three daughters. I’ve also been coached by Bethany, and when I read her words, again and again, my needs to be seen, heard, understood, and to matter are met. Her analysis, in my experience, is so rarely articulated and so true.
The simplest way I can explain the significance of Bethany’s quote is through describing my eating disorder and recovery from it. When I was obsessed with counting calories (I grew up in the 80s) I had a lot of clarity on what was good and what was bad: cookies were bad, cottage cheese was good; Republicans were bad, Democrats were good; William Faulkner was a great writer, Jackie Collins was a bad writer. I was a teenager, the world was easily divided into binaries, I knew who I was and where I was going.
In my twenties, when I started to try to give up the bulimia, I tried so many modalities to stop the behavior. I went to private therapy, group therapy, nutritionists, 12-step programs, and nothing worked until I started to practice what today would be called intuitive eating. I got help from an organization called Beyond Hunger in Marin County that supported me to eat when I was hungry, eat whatever I wanted, and stop when I was full. To be clear, this was not an eat when-hungry-stop-when-full “diet.” Many times, as I was learning, I would finish a bag of chips when they stopped tasting good, just because I had the urge to keep crunching, but the difference was I became aware of when I was continuing on past my pleasure point. I was conscious of my choices and I learned to be self-compassionate.
But here’s the really weird thing that happened as I recovered from bulimia. Initially, I lost my orientation of right and wrong. I no longer connected with other women as easily as I had in the past. When I stopped criticizing my body, I got confused. When I stopped eating because it was lunch time or dinner time, and ate when I actually was hungry, I didn’t know how to schedule my day. When I was served a plate of food and I only wanted half of the portion or I wanted seconds, when I was in the mood for salad and not the steak that was served, when I ate because I actually wanted the food and not to protect someone’s feelings, a waiter I didn’t even know or a man who cooked for me, I felt a rush of guilt, shame, and fear.
For so many women, having an eating disorder, being sick, is easier than being healthy. Eating what I wanted, when I wanted felt so rebellious and strange. I felt like how I imagine those tigers do, like the one Glennon Doyle wrote about in her book Untamed, who was free of her cage and still couldn’t run. She was paralyzed,
I was 28 years old when I got better from bulimia and I was 34 when I had my first child. I thought I was ready. Not only had I recovered from a vicious eating disorder, I was sober. I was deeply in love with my smart, sweet boyfriend. I had a career that excited and fulfilled me, I produced talk radio programs, co-founded a non-profit that taught young women ethical leadership skills, I published commentary on politics and culture, and I advocated for women’s issues on national television. Who could be more ready for motherhood than me?
I raised all three of my daughters to be intuitive eaters which for me meant I never gave them rules about what to eat and when to eat it. I never made them finish a plate of food or rewarded “good” behavior with something like ice cream or told them not to “snack” before dinner. I filled the refrigerator and low cupboards with food that they could reach on their own. If they wanted ice cream for breakfast, they was fine with me.
This post is not about how in spite of my efforts, my daughters still grew up with disordered eating. All of them are “healthy” eaters. They eat what they want when they want, they’re adventurous with trying new kinds of food, they’re all “normal” weight.
But when my kids were little, the other moms had a really hard time with how my kids ate. When friends came over, often parents joined, and they were shocked and disapproving that my kids could eat candy whenever they wanted. I honestly believe that part of the reason these parents accepted my family’s intuitive eating, is because neither my kids or I were “overweight.” Once again, I learned, not having an eating disorder separated me from community and incited disapproval, judgement, and confusion.
In my own family, being a “healthy” eater (how I define healthy which is not controlling food, I’m not talking about eating your veggies) caused more conflict, upset, confusion, and judgement. When my kids were allowed to eat whatever they wanted and my nieces and nephews weren’t following the same “rules,” new flexibility and openness had to be reached and that path is never smooth. That journey to a different way of being and relating isn’t so so different from the readjustment sobriety can create in a family that connects and bonds at cocktail hour.
Moms want so much to keep our kids safe, and the way I was raising my daughters seemed dangerous, scary, and chaotic to so many parents. I get that because when I went through a new way of eating, that process could feel dangerous, scary, and chaotic.
Mothers pass on eating disorders, generation after generation, out of concern, love, and a desire to protect. As a woman, when you stop monitoring what you eat, when you let your own body determine what you want and when you want it, you are making a radical choice to trust yourself.
It turns out, at 34, I was not “ready” to be a mom, because no one is ever ready and there’s no perfect time. My oldest daughter never had food issues, but she struggled with behavioral challenges that I’ve written about before and what I learned from supporting her through recovery is that my insights about food didn’t go nearly far enough. It wasn’t just at the dinner table that I needed to follow the wisdom of my body, my intuition, my own unique path instead of the systems that rewarded compliance. As a woman, as a mom, as a mom of daughters, time and time again you’re confronted with a choice: Do I do what the “expert” tells me, the psychiatrist, the teacher, the lacrosse coach, the college adviser, or do I deeply listen to the needs of my daughter?
For example, it never once occurred to me, and I now I realize this lack of awareness was partly because I was born white and to a privileged family, that my daughter wouldn’t go to college. I may have been a Democrat, but I believed in all the rules and status and hierarchy of academia. While I wasn’t dependent on how much money or how much I weighed to determine my status and worth, I was still looking for external validation in my daughter’s grades and test scores. Those numbers told me if I was a good mom, if my daughter would be “safe” and “successful” in the world.
What I know now is that helping my daughters thrive in the world means prioritizing connection with them, listening to them, meeting their needs to be seen, heard, and to matter, not just in what they eat but in every aspect of their lives.
If you want to learn more about Nonviolent Communication or my parent coaching visit listen2connectcoach.com or follow me on Instagram @listen2connectcoach
Scrolling through Tik Tok, I saw a video where best-selling author Elin Hilderbrand was interviewed about the new novel she co-wrote with her daughter, Shelby Cunningham, The Academy. The book is inspired by stories Cunningham told her mother on long phone calls while she was a student at St. George’s, a boarding school in Newport Rhode Island where I also went to school.
I’ve blogged quite a bit on Reel Girl about St. George’s, how my “privileged” education there was the introduction into so much sexism and racism, how all the freshman girls “newbies” had to dress up as Playboy bunnies, how I got expelled sophomore year, that Tucker Carlson was my in my class and that Billy Bush is also an alumn, and of course Reel Girl followed the sex abuse legal case. I’ll put the links at the end of this post and above is a photo I just dug up. I apologize for the quality, I’m trying to get this up before I start cooking for the holiday and even though it’s not a great image, it’s so 80s! The Levi’s jean jacket, that bandana!
I love that HIlderbrand wrote a book with her daughter, I’ve never read anything by her before and so far, it’s a page turner, I’ll post a review when I’m finished. I’m wondering if anyone has read it or read books by her, and I’m also wondering what your favorite novels inspired by prep schools are? In her acknowledgements, Hilderbrand references Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld and A Separate Peace by John Knowles.
My kids and I watched “The Perfect Couple” last summer, a Netflix series based on another Hilderbrand book, so that’s all I know of her work do far and a TV adaptation isn’t really a fair assessment. I think most of all, it was fun for me talking about the plot with my kids and guessing who the killer was. We also watched “Sirens” and “We Were Liars,” all three shows were about rich people living on islands. “We Were Liars” was by far, my favorite, though—and I know this is a total cliche—the book was SO much better. “We Were Liars” has a twist ending so it’s almost impossible for me to imagine how it would’ve been to watch the show if I didn’t know the plot.
Have you read The Academy or anything by HIlderbrand? Have you watched any of these three series and do you have any other rich-people-on-an-island shows to add to the list from this popular genre? And finally, what’s your favorite boarding school novel? Let me know anything you’d like me to review, especially anything with female protagonists.
I’ve missed you. The world has been insane and so have I and I’m guessing you have too.
First of all, let’s celebrate that Reel Girl began long before #Metoo and everything written here, talked about here, discussed here, became FINALLY a national, an international conversation on sexism, misogyny, and the film industry. People finally seemed to make the link between men running Pixar and Disney and the plots of the movies created “for kids” being rooted in patriarchy.
Sadly, we also of course got Donald Trump and some of the most blatant and disgusting grab-her-by-the-pussy hatred for women in America than we have seen in decades. I guess some would argue, and this would include me, the hatred for women has always been here and right now, it’s less white washed. Overturning Roe v Wade obviously goes way beyond window dressing and having Trump and his followers in power rolls back rights so deeply, recovery will take a long time for us to overcome. But we will overcome it. We will overcome it together and we are going to start here by imagining gender equality in the fantasy world, because if we don’t have our imaginations, we have nothing.
Who is with me?
Welcome back. Reviews start soon. And we’re going to begin with favorite celebrations of fantasy books with female protagonists and female casts.
Let me know what you’d like to see me review. I’m planning on starting with:
*A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab
*Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi
*The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemison
Let’s get going. We have work to do.
Please follow me on my new Tik Tok, @reelgirlblog and IG reelgirlblog
Because I’m so sick of the public referring to sexist people, places, and things as progressive or liberal, because sexism is everywhere and women are trapped in double-bind that is hardly acknowledged, getting little or no support from our “allies,” staying stuck in a matrix that doesn’t allow us to achieve real power, I came up with this list.
Reel Girl’s Top 10 List Of “Progressive” People, Places and Things That Are Sexist:
The New York Times When this publication broke the story about Harvery Weinstein’s chronic sexual harassment and assault of women, the report was illustrated with a photo of Hillary Clinton with Weinstein. That’s right, Weinstein’s behavior is Hillary’s fault. The NYT is also the publication that kept stories going about Hillary’s emails and the “corruption” of the Clinton foundation throughout Hillary’s campaign. Aside from Hillary, I’ve blogged extensively about the many instances of sexism in the stories of the NYT, from what they choose to cover to the sources they use to cover it. My complaints have been posted in Letters to the Times. Just do a search on Reel Girl to see my posts on sexism at the Times.
PBS I’ve blogged on Reel Girl about the lack of female protagonists on PBS shows for kids including the dominance of male characters on well-loved programs like “Sesame Street,” and how the “educational station” can be more sexist than the Disney channel.
Dr. Seuss With all of Dr. Seuss’s amazing creativity, the crazy-beautiful characters he drew, the names and the entire language he came up with, his spectacular imagination failed to stretch to include gender equality. Seuss’s characters are mostly male with even his crowd illustrations rarely featuring female characters. I’ve blogged a great deal on Reel Girl about Seuss’s sexism and though my blogs have been picked up and quoted by Jezebel (a “women’s news” site) Seuss’s sexism is rarely acknowledged. Seuss is a huge influence on childhood and it’s tragic that along with learning to read, kids are learning sexism, that it’s normal for girls to go missing. Recently children’s author Mo Willems signed a letter condemning Seuss’s racism but sexism isn’t mentioned in the letter.
My “progressive” male friends on social media: The men of Hollywood aren’t coming out to condemn Harvey Weinstein in the numbers that they should be, but what about my own male friends? While men I know and love regularly post about racism, police violence and other issues dear to their hearts, they rarely post about sexism and misogyny. My own posts about sexism rarely receive likes or shares or retweets from my male friends. Until our male friends join the fight for gender equality, prioritize it, consider it important, take action to support it, and stop being passive bystanders, women won’t get as far as we need to go.
My list is just a beginning, hopefully to publicize the wide reach of sexism and misogyny into almost every aspect of our lives. Feel free to add in my comment section your items of “progressive” people, places and things that are actually sexist.
No human is perfect but an abuser will rarely, or have a very hard time, taking responsibility for negative behavior. Abusers rarely give sincere apologies. Abusers don’t seek the support necessary to make change because they don’t want to change. Their behavior works for them. If their behavior doesn’t work for you, that’s your problem. Abusers lack empathy. While they may have episodes of seeming to understand your feelings, it’s from a clinical perspective, there’s little or no emotional resonance. They don’t feel what you’re feeling.
When 22 year old Paltrow told her boyfriend, Brad Pitt, about Weinstein’s abuse, Pitt approached Weinstein at a premiere. He told Weinstein never to touch Paltrow again. All of Hollywood was afraid to stand up to Weinstein, but young Pitt (“Thelma and Louise” Pitt?) did the right thing. So, men of Hollywood, the year is 2017. Why do I hear crickets? Don’t you think now is the time to publicly speak out against Weisntein and in support of your colleagues, the women of Hollywood? Women, everywhere, actually. I have to say, my whole blog, Reel Girl, feels pretty pointless when I’m trying to eek out powerful stories about women from this cesspool of misogyny.
After I blogged about Hugh Hefner’s abuse and control of women, I got many comments about the positive contributions he made to the world. Whether you believe Hefner was truly an activist for some version of sexual liberation, gay rights, free speech, African-American journalists etc (and many don’t buy that, see comments on this blog, but some do, see Reel Girl’s FB page) or not: he still abused women. While Weinstein may have catapulted the careers of some actresses without harassing them and brought some great movies to fruition, he still abused women.
Most abusers don’t abuse all the time. If abusers were consistently and purely damaging, they would be much easier for victims to identify and liberate themselves from. But their abuse is much more manipulative than that.
Most abusers provide intermittent rewards. That means if we’re in an abusive relationship, with a parent, a partner, a boss, a “friend,” once in a while we hit the target. We get their praise, their love, admiration, attention, connection. The abuser’s inconsistent behavior towards us keeps us hooked, keeps us trying. We think to ourselves: “I know there’s a good person in there so if I’m being treated badly, it must be my fault. I must have done something wrong. I must be a bad person.” This false belief is helped along by the abuser’s blameshifting and projecting, telling us: You are bad, you are at fault.
Using experiments with rats and drugs, intermittent reward has been shown to elicit the most addictive behavior. Intermittent rewards makes us prone to gaslighting (when an abuser tells us our feelings aren’t real, our experience didn’t happen or is minimized, trivialized, or mocked, all to make us doubt ourselves, feel crazy and confused, thus vulnerable to more abuse.) We go through the evidence of the good things and think we’re supposed to ignore the bad things. We try to convince ourselves, they tried their best. Even if you believe Hugh Hefner and Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby and Woody Allen tried their best, women still suffered. Parents use this excuse as well: we tried our best, but they ignore the second half of the sentence: AND we suffered. In ignoring the suffering, in minimizing it, in refusing to acknowledge it, abusers get away with more abuse. They continue to perpetuate it, just finding new victims if we manage to escape.
You’re not a bad person for calling out abuse. In fact, if you don’t call out abuse, if you don’t, as an adult, take responsibility to look at your suffering, to use your resources to get help, you pass the abuse on to the next generation. You pass on the debt to your children and they pass it on to their children. So misogyny goes on, generation after generation.
Please don’t comment here about all the great contributions Weinstein made.
I wish all the sexism and misogyny Hugh Hefner amplified and celebrated would die with him. Turns out, Hef gets to stalk into infinity: he paid $75,000 to be buried in the plot next to Marilyn Monroe.
It disgusts me that America (the world?) is celebrating this man.
Here’s an alumna’s comment from my fancy, I-was-so-lucky-to-attend-boarding school that many years later, was proven to be the site of numerous sexual assaults. Faulkner Fox writes:
At “Casino Night,” a required school event at St. George’s School, 14 and 15-year-old girls were asked to dress as playboy bunnies. Let’s just say it’s not one of my fondest childhood memories. All of the school’s sexism cannot be blamed on Hugh Hefner–of course not. But because of Hefner’s extraordinary cultural influence, one of the things we were asked to do–for fun–was dress as Playboy bunnies.”
Yes, we were 14 and 15. Sexism was so insidious at St. George’s and in life that all I remember caring about was how I looked in my bunny suit. I took down the yearbook pictures on Reel Girl of Casino Night and every sexist photo I had up of St. George’s that didn’t include me, because though the shame is on the school and not the girls shown, our culture is messed up and too many people don’t get that. I don’t have me in a bunny suit but I have this gem to share, a yearbook photo from St. George’s captioned: “Todd’s Toys.”
Don’t worry: I don’t blame entitled guys like you for all the sexism and misogyny at St. George’s. You were young. I’m willing to give you some leeway. Plus I didn’t overlap with you at St. George’s — I am class of ’81; you are class of ’90 — so I don’t know how you actually behaved back then. Let’s say you never said or did one sexist or abusive thing before you got on that bus with Donald Trump in 2005.
What you did on that bus in talking with Donald Trump in 2005 directly relates to what happened to your St. George’s classmates. I’m talking about the creation and perpetuation of rape culture, the entrenched belief that women and girls don’t matter the way men do, that we are here to be grabbed, harassed, raped. Whatever a guy can get away with is fair game, worthy of laughter and high-fiving from other guys on the same messed-up bus.
Hugh Hefner helped to normalize and mainstream objectification of women. His vision touched us all. Got a personal story of how this “cultural icon” helped to infect your life with sexism? Please share it on Reel Girl.
