In a recent interview, when actress Naomi Watts said “Tolerate my jowls,” she made clear it’s not her job to surgically alter her face so you don’t feel uncomfortable. If her face stimulates pain for you, learn how to regulate. You feelings are not her problem. Naomi Watts is #unfawning.

What does #unfawning mean?

I’ve been posting a lot about Ingrid Clayton’s new book and how she prefers the term fawning to codependency or people-pleasing, because when we “connect to protect” it’s often not a conscious choice but a trauma response, a nervous system reaction. Psychologist Pete Walker describes fawning as “a response to threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.”

I was thinking about how when women are young— especially when they are white and a weight preferable to the patriarchy— their bodies, to some degree, can’t help but “fawn.” Their bodies fit so perfectly into the system that rewards female compliance.

I posted a Tik Tok video about how my face, as a 57 year old woman, like Naomi, is no longer fawning. Even if a woman decides to take a path different from my own or Naomi’s, her body, on some level, is going to rebel: 57 isn’t the same as 27.

So far, that shift to #unfawning, has been disorienting and confusing to some degree, all changes are like that, but it’s also been incredibly liberating. And that part of the story seems to be, too often left out. That erasure feels like more fawning.

I can’t recall ever being so clearly in a situation where my body simply, repeatedly says: “No, I won’t do it. I won’t conform to that standard, even though, I know you believe that would make your life easier and safer.”

And surprise, my life is easier and safer #unfawning. I don’t miss men catcalling me. Why was I supposed to miss that?

Even though my body is older and supposedly less strong—debatable, I no longer smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds or drink alcohol—I feel so much safer waking down the street, just being in the world feels calmer. I don’t miss the free drinks or free food that were never really free. My body knew that too.

I think maybe the scariest thing about getting older, is when you’re young and you keep getting warned in so many ways how horrible and terrifying it’s going to be. I think that fear is one of the most powerful factors to keep women control. What if getting older isn’t something to be afraid of? What if it is, in fact, joyful?