Author Archives: margotmagowan

Recognizing the sanctity– and a travesty– of marriage

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I wrote this piece for the San Francisco Chronicle in 2000. Living in San Francisco and witnessing the fight for marriage equality inspired me, a heterosexual woman, to think of marriage in a new way. While I always thought the institution was irrelevant and kind of stupid, I came to see it as exciting and alive. I still do. Thank you to the gay movement for vivifying marriage for all of us.

Recognizing the sanctity – and a travesty – of marriage

MARGOT MAGOWAN
Published 4:00 am, Tuesday, February 22, 2000

I DIDN’T think TV could shock me anymore. But then, during sweeps week last week, I watched Fox’s new hit, “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” and realized modern television had sunk to a new low.

The show began with the introduction of 50 women, all competing for the grand prize of marriage to a multimillionaire, their union to be sealed with a $34,000 engagement ring.

The women stepped into the klieg lights wearing everything from bathing suits to wedding gowns, exposing their bodies to be rated and judged. Meanwhile, Mr. Multimillionaire was safely shrouded in a darkened booth. The whole scene brought to mind the voyeuristic ambiance of a peep show.

During one of the show’s worst sequences, each finalist had 30 seconds to convince Mr. Multimillionaire that she was the one he should choose. While guitar porn rock played in the background, the women said things like, “I know just how to please a man.”

At the end of the show, Mr. Multimillionaire finally appeared in a tux and chose his bride, the blondest and thinnest of them all.

I was stunned by this degradation and mockery of the marriage ceremony. How can there be any presumption of honesty or integrity in marriage vows when the groom takes them – as Mr. Multimillionaire did – just moments after meeting his wife to be, promising to love her until death?

Are those elements that I thought were key to marriage – vows and love and commitment – without real meaning?

A wedding ceremony should be a sacred celebration, inspired by devotion so powerful that those in love want to make a lifelong commitment to each other publicly.

Yet on the Fox Network, marriage became a modern-day flesh auction with women transformed into a commodity to be purchased by a wealthy man.

I’m not completely naive. I know that marriage was initially created as a financial contract. I know that in Biblical times the purpose of marriage was to control the means of reproduction – that is, women.

I know that when women had no social, political or financial power, when they were not allowed to own property and were only valued for how many children they could bear, marriage existed just to ritualize the transfer of ownership of women from fathers to husbands.

I know that remnants of these ancient roles of womanhood are still prevalent in marriage ceremonies, but I had thought they no longer had significance.

Though brides still traditionally wear white, the color has lost its relevance as a symbol of virginal innocence, once so prized in a woman. Few recall now, when the priest asks if anyone has just cause why the marriage should not take place, that the question was originally meant to determine if anyone had evidence that the bride was, in fact, not a virgin.

Fast forward a few thousand years to the debut of Fox’s top-rated show. After watching these women on TV, whose worth was measured by how well they conformed to limited ideals of beauty, while male worth was measured by wallet size, I was feeling pretty cynical about gender roles and matrimony.

Then something happened to restore my faith. The debate on Proposition 22, the ballot initiative on gay marriage, caught my attention.

As supporters of the initiative condemned gay marriage for defiling a holy institution, I thought of the irony. An elegantly packaged prostitution ring on prime time television is perfectly legal, yet two people in love who want to make a public and legal, lifetime commitment to each other, with sincere vows, are forbidden legal recognition of their marriage because they are of the same sex.

While “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” illustrates the worst of marriage, defeating Prop. 22 would bring out the best of it. Allowing gay people to marry shatters all of the antiquated sex stereotypes that still threaten to be resurrected in popular culture.

If marriage is to survive and thrive in this millennium, it needs to evolve. The marriage contract is a living document. We need to keep the best of it – the love, the romance, the vows – and leave behind those elements that reduce human beings to property.

If Californians really are concerned with family values, they should be fighting for the right of people who truly love each other to legalize their commitment.

 

Disney Channel morning line-up outshines PBS in female characters

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Last week, we were on Spring break and staying at the house of a friend of mine up in Tahoe. The TV channels were different, and we found ourselves watching the Disney Channel in the morning. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Possibly, in part, because my expectations were so low. Or perhaps, because I was so disgusted and appalled by the domination of male protagonists on PBS, the “educational” station.

Here is what we watched: “Doc McStuffins.”

DOC

Dottie McStuffins is a six year old girl who wants to grow up to be a doctor like her mother. Her animal friends, 2 female and 2 male, help her out fixing and healing. How cool is that? Also, she’s African-American. Some stuff bugs me, like her purple glittery doctor’s bag along with various other pink and purpleness, but mostly, I love this show. Reel Girl rates Doc McStuffins ***HHH/ S***

Next up is “Jake and the Neverland Pirates.”

princesspirate

Obviously, Jake is the star. And, surprise, surprise, there are 2 main male characters to one female character. Not only that, the Minority Feisty is Pirate Princess. Gag. But, in every episode I saw, she had a big part, second to Jake, and she was smart, brave, and helped to save the day. Clearly, Princess Pirate’s power is safely circumscribed by pink and the more heroic Jake, but Reel Girl rates Jake and the Neverland Pirates ***H/SS***

And finally, “Princess Sofia.”

Princess-Sofia-disney-princess-33640172-590-500

I was so dismayed when I heard about the debut of this supposedly Hispanic princess that Disney decided to make light-skinned and blue-eyed that I didn’t even blog about her. When I finally watched her last week, I liked her okay. The show surprised me in some ways. For example, the princesses had to design their “dream castle.” I groaned, dreading decorating tips. I was thrilled when Sofia said that in her castle, she wanted a laboratory for a Sorceress and a stable for flying ponies. My 4 year old daughter was pretty excited about that too. My main complaint with the show– as with the Barbie movies–is the look of the females. If we could just get them out of the puffy dresses that are so endlessly distracting, it might be a good show. Unfortunately, the way its stands, the message girls get (and boys about girls) is first and foremost, girls must look a certain way. Once you get the look down, adventures and exciting things might just happen to you. If you don’t look this way, you’re invisible, you don’t exist at all. Also, I HATE that demure, shy way she’s standing. Ugh. Reel Girl rates “Princess Sofia” ***H/SS***

If Taylor Swift is boy-crazy, is Dylan’s ‘Idiot Wind’ confessional?

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Taylor Swift is a great writer, yet lately, the media seems determined to trivialize her lyrics as “boy-crazy” and “confessional.” Huh, I thought lots of artists, including, believe it or not,  males, wrote about love and break-ups.

Taylor-Swift-Vanity-Fair-Cover

I read all over the internet about how Taylor Swift humiliated herself in April’s Vanity Fair. I finally bought it and to my surprise, the actual piece is so great, I gave it to my nine year old daughter to read. (April’s Vanity Fair is great for kids. There’s a good piece on Malala Yousafzai and also one on Sheryl Sandberg, both which my daughter read.)

What I love about the VF article on Swift is that it makes clear what a driven, hard worker she is:

Watching her rehearse that day, it became clear that Swift works incredibly hard. While her band– which she commands in a friendly, laid back way– was taking a break, she continued practicing, playing songs on her guitar and piano, and going over sound issues with her soundman. “I’m the type of person, I have to study to get an A on the test,” she would tell me later. “I have to work really hard to get that record deal– I have to spend years at it to get good. I have to practice to be good at guitar. I have to write 100 songs before I write one good one.

I would’ve bribed Swift to convey that exact message to my perfectionist, easily frustrated daughter. But, lucky me, no bribery needed and my ethics remain intact.

In another part I love, Swift says:

For a female to write about her feelings and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend …that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.

 

This from the woman who says she’s not a feminist. But as I wrote about it then, she is 23 year old. Look at her actions, not what she calls herself. I am so glad she said this. It is SO sexist. For God’s sake, Eminem writes incessantly about break-ups, not to mention classic stars like the Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan. Would anyone ever call Dylan, the great poet, “confessional?” Or any male artist girl-crazy? Is that even a term?

Check out the lyrics of “Idiot Wind” rumored to be about Dylan’s wife Sara. Does this song remind you of anyone younger and blonder?

Someone’s got it in for me, they’re planting stories in the press
Whoever it is I wish they’d cut it out quick but when they will I can only guess
They say I shot a man named Gray and took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
I can’t help it if I’m lucky.

People see me all the time and they just can’t remember how to act
Their minds are filled with big ideas, images and distorted facts
Even you yesterday you had to ask me where it was at
I couldn’t believe after all these years you didn’t know even me better than that
Sweet lady.

Idiot wind blowing every time your move your mouth
Blowing down the backroads heading south
Idiot wind blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

I ran into the fortune-teller who said beware of lightning that might strike
I haven’t known peace and quit for so long I can’t remember what it’s like
There’s a lone soldier on the cross smoke pouring out of a boxcar door
You didn’t know it you didn’t think it could be done in the final end he won the wars
After losing every battle.

I woke up on the roadside daydreaming about the way things sometimes are
Visions of your chestnut mare shoot through my head and are making me see stars
You hurt the ones that I love best and cover up the truth with lies
One day you’ll be in the ditch, flies buzzing around your eyes
Blood on your saddle.

Idiot wind blowing through the flowers on your tomb
Blowing through the curtains in your room
Idiot wind blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

It was gravity which pulled us down and destiny which broke us apart
You tamed the lion in my cage but it just wasn’t enough to change my heart
Now everything’s a little upside down, as a matter of fact the wheels have stopped
What’s good is bad what’s bad is good you’ll find out when you reach the top
You’re on the bottom.I noticed at the ceremony, your corrupt ways had finally made you blind
I can’t remember your face anymore, your mouth has changed your eyes don’t look
Into mine
The priest wore black on the seventh day and sat stone faced while the
Building burned
I waited for you on the running boards, near the cypress trees while the
Springtime turned
Slowly into autumn.

Idiot wind blowing like a circle around my skull
From the Grand Coulee Dam to Capitol
Idiot wind blowing every time you move you teeth
You’re an idiot babe.
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

I can’t feel you anymore, I can’t even touch the books you’ve read
Every time I crawl past your door, I been wishing I was somebody else instead
Down the highway down the tracks down the road to ecstasy
I followed you beneath the stars hounded by your memory
And all you raging glory.

I been double-crossed now for the very last time and now I’m finally free
I kissed goodbye the howling beast on the borderline which separated you from me
You’ll never know the hurt I suffered not the pain I raise above
And I’ll never know the same about you your holiness or your kind of love
And it makes me feel so sorry.

Idiot wind blowing through the buttons of our coats
Blowing through the letters that we wrote
Idiot wind blowing through the dust upon our shelves
We’re idiots babe
It’s a wonder we can even feed ourselves.

Reel Girl gets brown eyes

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The image of Reel Girl was created by the artist Cynthia Rodgers AKA Theamat who I discovered after seeing her Wonder Woman with no pants comic. Reel Girl’s face is a composite of these photos of my 3 daughters. She has my oldest daughters angry eyes shown here:

Lucy

my second daughter’s spec of a smile

alice

and my third daughters wild curls.

rose

So here’s the banner.

reelgirl2.gif

But after a month or so with that blue-eyed image, I’ve decided to go with the the brown eye color of my second daughter and me. If you read Reel Girl, you know that as a brown-haired, brown-eyed child, I was endlessly annoyed by the ubiquity of blond, blue-eyed heroines. I still am. Here is me.

me

I hate reading a book I otherwise adore, Ramona, where the protagonist complains about her “boring” brown hair and brown eyes. I especially hate reading this part to my brown-haired, brown-eyed daughter. So fuck that. This is my blog, after all, and so Reel Girl gets brown eyes.

I also like brown eyes on Reel Girl because though her look is based on images of my three Caucasian daughters, brown-eyes make her a little more ethnically ambiguous. So here’s the new Reel Girl and feel free to name your favorite brown-eyed heroines here. I’m collecting.

browneyes.gif

PBS blind to its own sexism says former employee

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This comment from Lisa on my post “PBS puts another male protag in coveted morning line up:”

Oh, Margot, you have just hit upon one of my pet peeves. I used to work for a PBS affiliate many years ago. At one point in the late 1990s I attended a PBS conference at which they rolled out the slate of new kids’ shows for the coming season. I was appalled not only at how few of them featured female characters, but how several of them were named for the male character: Caillou, Arthur, Franklin, on and on. As we were walking out of the ballroom and everyone was talking excitedly, the (female) VP of Development for our station said something to the effect of, “Wasn’t that great?” to me. I said, “Yeah, but where were the GIRLS? Did you notice these are all shows with boys in the lead?” She looked shocked and then as light dawned she said, “You’re right, where ARE the girls?”

I am disgusted but not surprised that even some 13+ years later, nothing has changed. I think there’s a tendency to think of PBS as more progressive, but presenting a more gender-balanced kids programming division is clearly not a priority for them.

One show that I really enjoyed on PBS once I had my daughters was Sagwa, which followed the adventures of a female Chinese Siamese cat – the title character! Notably, created by the wonderful author Amy Tan. Of course that is no longer on the air….OMG!!  I just looked up Sagwa to see when it aired, etc. and discovered this (via Wikipedia, though cross-checked in a couple other places and it seems to hold up):  “The name of the titular character, Sagwa, literally means “silly melon head”. Although innocuous without context, this phrase is typically regarded by Chinese to be an insult, carrying connotations of incompetence, foolishness, and even mental retardation.”

Wow. So one of the few shows actually named for a female character insults her by giving her a derogatory name. So frustrating!!

 

I love what Lisa says about “progressive” too, because you so often hear about the “liberal” media, especially PBS. I guess invisible females is just politics as usual. Isn’t it nice that people across the aisle can agree on something?

Girls are as self-centered as all kids

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Girls are not born more open-minded or altruistic. Girls read stories about boys and watch movies about boys because they are trained to. (Thank you, PBS. Please see my last post.)

Doesn’t every psychologist and teacher tell us that kids need to be “mirrored?” To create healthy self-esteem, parents aren’t supposed to project their own opinions on to little kids, but reflect what the kid expresses: “You are lifting the box! You’re smiling!” etc.

So why do the “experts” forget mirroring when it comes to gender? Why do we show our kids a warped, stereotyped mirror and then exclaim, “Look at that, girls just love princesses!” Girls want to see girls. They are just as self-centered as all children are. Unfortunately, in kid world, representations of females are severely limited. They will take what they can get.

There’s a positive side to this. We can train all kids to stay open to diverse stories by exposing them to all kinds of protagonists. Please read your kids books, show your kids movies, tell your kids stories and help them write their own, do imaginary play featuring strong female characters. It will help their brains grow not to mention their self-esteem.

reelgirl2.gif

PBS puts another male protag in coveted morning line up: Daniel Tiger

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My youngest daughter and I used to have a schedule where, after the older 2 went off to school, I put on PBS while I did morning chores. PBS is good for kids, right? Educational and all. Sadly, all the three shows in the morning line up had a male protagonist whose name was featured in the title: Caillou, Clifford, and Curious George.

caillou

Clifford-post

george

For a while, instead of Clifford, we had…Arthur!

arthur-pbs-kids

All year, I’ve been doing drop-off, so now I leave the house with 3 kids at 7:10 (and don’t get back until 9AM but that’s another blog rant.) Today, our schedule is off so I have the little one, and I turned on the TV with an eye roll, expecting the bald 4 year old (don’t get that) the giant red dog, or the monkey with his yellow buddy-man, or the aardvark with no nose. What did we find? A new show! “Daniel the Tiger.” ARGH.

daniel-tiger-image

It’s really shocking to me how unimportant (or should I say “important”) gender is to PBS programmers. Thanks, PBS, for the early morning lesson in sexism for my four year old daughter. It’s great to know we’ve got a channel dedicated to education that teaches kids males are front and center while females are sidelined or not there at all.

Can you get more offensive than this sexist Aston Martin ad?

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Words desert me. Ass-ton Martin? Crass-ton Martin?

PHOTO REMOVED

Update: Word is this ad is a fake. And if it is, I’ve got to wonder, why do we believe it’s real? This 4 breasted woman, real or fake?

FOURBOOBEDWOMAN-large570

Answer: real ad for PlayStation

Update: I removed the photo after receiving this email from Marketing Playboy:

Dear Margot,

 

I was informed that your website http://reelgirl.com/2013/03/can-you-get-more-offensive-than-this-sexist-aston-martin-ad/ contains copyright infringing material, consisting of (a part of) the fotoshoot with Rosanne Jongenelen.

 

This content is owned by Playboy. I therefore kindly request you to remove this material / these pictures from your website TODAY. Please send me a confirmation that you will comply with this request. If the material has not been removed by tomorrow, I have to take other actions and will send you a cease and desist letter.

 

Kind Regards,

 

Marketing Playboy Netherlands


Reel Girl and typos

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Just wanted to say sorry for all the typos on Reel Girl. This is the deal. I have little time to blog, and so I blog very fast. Usually, I’ve been thinking about what I want to write when I’m driving my car, up in the middle of the night, or pushing my kid on the swing. By the time I get to the keyboard, my ideas are clear but time is fleeting. Mostly, I work on my book when I’m alone in the house but I sneak off to blog by stealing minutes when my kids and my husband are around. Invariably, while I’m writing, someone is screaming for me or there is something else I need to be doing.

I’ve tried to save drafts for later when I can proofread them, but I’ve learned that those posts never go up. For me, blogging seems to be a combination of obsessively thought out ideas that are finally shared compulsively and impulsively. Once the blog has been posted, unlike one that hasn’t been, I do go back and proofread because it’s out there for everyone to see. My pride won’t let me leave up “higher” when I meant to write “hire.”

Sometimes I give myself a hard time about this fast and sloppy style of writing. No matter how important what you’re saying is, if you spell it wrong, it can look stupid. But, as I wrote, the fast posting in fits and spurts is the only way I am able to blog in way that is fulfilling and useful. Also, that’s what kind of cool about blogging, especially if in other areas of your life, including writing, you’ve got to be exact and fastidious.

I’m posting this without re-reading and will probably be revisiting when I find a minute or two again in the day to check all the typos.

Thanks for reading and your patience.

Margot