Women kiss and tell in new book

Sugar In My Bowl, edited by Erica Jong, is a collection of essays and short fiction about female sexuality by writers like Julie Klam, Fay Weldon, Jennifer Weiner, and many others including me. The book is coming out June 14, but you can preorder it on Amazon.

Sugar In My Bowl

Gail Collins, an op-ed columnist for the New York Times, has a hilarious essay in the book that describes how her Catholic education warped her perceptions of sex.

She writes: “I was possibly one of the least sophisticated teenagers in the United States outside of Amish country, and although I knew the mechanics of how babies were made, I had not yet really come around to imagining that people actually did that kind of thing voluntarily.”

Until Collins was well past puberty, she believed that virginity was the same thing as being unmarried and was completely mystified by whatever was going on between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. She warns that’s what can happen to a girl when she’s “taught about sex by women who didn’t have any.” That would be nuns, who, apparently, had all kinds of special insight into gender differences:

“Boys were not much more than little sex robots, and they could not be held responsible for their actions. Once, we were all called to assembly to hear Charles Keating, the head of the Citizens for Decent Literature (and future star of a huge savings-and-loan scandal), who told us the story of a young mother who went walking down the road with her two small children while she was wearing shorts. The sight of her naked legs so overwhelmed a passing motorist that he swerved off the road and killed both the kids. And it was all their mother’s fault. We were then asked to sign a pledge never to wear any kind of shorts, including the long Bermuda ones.”

In another great essay, novelist Min-Jin Lee writes that it wasn’t until her husband pointed out to her that she’d left sex out of her writing that she realized she had. Re-examining her literary heroines (and their creators) including Emma Bovary, Jane Eyre, and Hetty Sorrel, all scandalous for their day, Lee writes: “Looking backward at my betters made me realize that I was shy at best, cowardly at most. Okay, I was terrified to write about sex. Why?”

Lee, a Korean-American, traced part of her reticence back to a disappointing class she took in college called “Women’s Studies and Asian-American History and Literature” that didn’t inspire her quite as she’d hoped:

“Alas. In print and visual media Asian women were often hookers, mail-order brides, masseuses, porn stars, dragon ladies, submissive sex slaves, and yes, cartoon characters with long black hair, red lips, and racially improbable bosoms. Asian men were sinister gangsters, inscrutable businessmen, angry nerds, and scheming eunuchs. If Asian women were oversexual, then their brothers were asexual.”

Twenty years later, after her conversation with her husband, Lee googled “Asian women” and got 14 million hits, mostly sexual references in the same genre as her college course.

“I may see myself as a forty-two-year-old writer, mother, wife, and former lawyer, but fourteen million hits trumped my subjective reality.” This distortion changed Lee as a writer. From then on, “When relevant, I wrote about sex, even Asian pornography and date rape, because I wanted to be honest about what was significant inside and outside my world. For most of my adult life, I had been uncomfortable with my body- my racial and sexual envelope. This time, in my pages, I thought, maybe I can talk about how it is for me, and I wrote it down. If I had been angry about the lack of self-determination of Asian women’s bodies and lives, I had been staging a feeble and arrogant protest by refusing to write about sex.”

One of my favorite pieces in the anthology is by critic, novelist, and New Yorker contributor Daphne Merkin. Her essay– about how she abandoned a prestigious literary fellowship to pursue the magnetic lust of a summer romance– shows how sexual obsession colonized “all the available mental space in my head.”

My story is called “Light Me Up.” I wrote it because so many love stories, especially those with female protagonists, end with ‘happily ever after,’ when the girl gets the ring. I wanted to introduce a newlywed couple and then throw some scary challenges– involving sex, money, and a new baby– their way.

You can read an excerpt from Sugar In My Bowl here.

Ask the questions

Lists are limited because lists are limiting.

Obviously, a major part of the challenge for girls is that there is so little diversity in kids’ media. Even the princess who only wants to find her man wouldn’t be bad if she were one of many role models. I guess this is why we always talk about diversity. It’s important; it’s everything.

So, after each of my reviews, I’ve decided to add a few discussion questions. Hopefully, the addition of questions will highlight the critical thinking aspect to reading, watching, and playing; that it’s interactive, not passive and that’s really the whole point.

ReelGirl gives good headlines

This is a new feature at ReelGirl. It’s basically what I would put on the front page if I were the news editor of the world. Please share your links. (My husband came up with the title.)

From the New York Times: Disney is marketing to your womb. I’m not even going to give some snarky commentary here. This article speaks for itself. Read it and freak out.

From The New Republic on the literary glass ceiling: Why are most book reviews written about works by men? Depressing statistics here, both on women writers and literary gatekeepers such as editors of lit mags; when discrimination starts this early, women can’t catch up. Gatekeepers reply, they’re just looking for the best and most important works, gender doesn’t matter to them at all. Hopefully, this bummer of an article will inspire women to write. There is a point! You need to get your own stories out there. No one else is going to do it for you.

Go Arianna! The Huffington Post and AOL make a 315 million dollar deal. What would you rather be: married to a millionaire (make that gay millionaire) or be one yourself?

Just in case moms who work need something else to feel guilty about, CNN is reporting that working moms have fat kids. Who decided to do this study? Why? Was it some group thinking: let’s mess around with all of women’s worst insecurities? By the way, CNN reports no similar study on dads who work.

And speaking of studies, Match.com funded one done by two women, Helen Fisher and Stephanie Coontz. And guess what these women researchers found? Match.com is announcing that women aren’t the ones who want to get married, men are. Hmmm…I wonder if who funds and creates studies has anything to do with what gets studied and what the ‘results’ are?

In the Huffington Post, Tara Sophia Mohr writes about sexism at “Top Chef.” As with the women writers, judges are just looking for the best and most important chefs who just happen to turn out male. Mohr has a brilliant idea for the show: blind judging. This would counteract gender bias and be a great ratings hook too, by the way. Bravo bigwigs– are you listening?

Did you notice something missing from the Superbowl entertainment besides Axl Rose? No Cheerleaders! First superbowl ever! This made it more watchable for women around around the world. Cheerleaders are bad for women; this fact has nothing to do with athletic prowess and everything to do with being a sideshow. Cheerleaders tell women their role is to support the real stars, men.

ReelGirl going on vacation

I am sitting at Pete’s with a latte, waiting for the Mac store across the street to open for my 10am appointment with a “Genius.”

If my genius appointment is a success, I may in fact blog on vacation.

I am about to leave for three weeks, and the blogging has stopped because I’ve been going crazy trying to get the kids packed and tie up lose ends for various work projects.

OK, 10am, here I go to see the Genius. I think he’s about 12 years old.

If thing don’t go as hoped, I’ll see you in August.

All best,
Margot

Woodhull Institute in the news

The San Francisco Chronicle’s Leah Garchik writes:

After the U.N. Conference on Women in Beijing 15 years ago, Hillary Rodham Clinton planted the seed for Vital Voices, a nongovernmental organization that works worldwide to support “emerging women leaders and social entrepreneurs.” Cissie Swig, profoundly committed to a host of global causes, political campaigns, women’s rights and the arts, is on its board. And last Monday, she invited about 30 friends, mainly women with parallel passions, to dinner at Villa Taverna to meet Vital Voices President Alyse Nelson, who described the group’s work: identifying those women, educating and training them in financial skills, marketing, communication, leadership.

This gathering wasn’t just about providing financial support. After Nelson described projects in nearly 127 countries and suggested the possibility of a Bay Area council, guests leaped in with ideas for participating. Mills College President Janet Holmgren said Mills would be excited to be “the nexus” for a Bay Area presence; Anette Harris, board member for the International Museum of Women, suggested that institution and Vital Voices might work together on a speakers’ series; retired Bishop William Swing of the United Religions Initiative said, “A lot of times religion keeps women from taking a place at the table; we would like to sit down and talk with you about that”; radio producer-writer-Woodhull Institute founder Margo Magowan talked about training women for on-air appearances; and Cissie’s daughter-in-law Darian Swig, whose passion is Human Rights Watch, discussed the importance of supporting Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and suggested joining forces on a Liberia working group.

Cissie Swig had accomplished the evening’s goal, as she expressed in a goodnight wish: “Stay connected.”

Interview with www.fitwoman.com

Margot Magowan on Dieting, Blogs, and Raising Healthy Kids

by Emily on June 1, 2010

We recently discovered ReelGirl, a blog by writer and commentator Margot Magowan. She also co-founded the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, which provides professional training for young women. We decided to pick her brain about raising three daughters, her favorite blogs, and why dieting bored her to tears.

How do you instill a healthy body image in your daughters?

I tell my daughters they’re beautiful “on the inside and the outside,” all the time. It’s kind of cheesy but I think it works, and it’s true! I also tell them how smart and strong they are. When I hear them ask each other what pet, animal or creature in a book illustration is the “cutest” or “prettiest” I interrupt and say, “But what does she do? Is she smart? Is she strong? Does she have fun? Is she happy?” Whenever possible, I try to take the emphasis off of appearances. I try not to say disparaging things about how I look or the way other women look, even positive stuff, actually, like comment on the hair or make up or outfits of women on TV or in magazines. I hide my Us Weekly!

You wear a lot of hats–writer, speaker, mom, wife–what do you do when you need to recharge?

My kids go to bed at 7 p.m. I get dates confused, I’m often late for appointments, but those kids are on a schedule and that schedule hardly changes! That way, I know when it’s my time. I love spending that time with my husband, reading, hanging out with friends, or seeing a movie. I love to walk the labyrinth at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. I’d love to say I wake up at five a.m. and meditate, but I don’t. It’s on my list.

What do you see as some of the greatest internal or self imposed barriers that keep women from succeeding professionally?

I think a lot of women for one reason or another have bought into a split (that men aren’t subject to at all) that they have to choose between being a “good mom” or being successful professionally. I don’t feel that division emotionally. Having kids has made me more ambitious and much more financially responsible. I’m a better mother and more present for my kids when I spend time away from them in other ways that fulfill me.

For the rest of the interview see www.fitwoman.com

More on girls and food

I got so many comments on my earlier post on girls and food, many of them direct message or to my personal email account, that I wanted to add a little more public info.

To re-cap, I basically let my young kids eat what they want, when they want. They have food shelves they can access full of food they choose. The idea is they learn the skills to tune into their own hunger and how to satisfy it.

So first– buying organic. I think that’s great for your kids if you do that. (My father, by the way, worked for Safeway for years and thought the whole organic thing was overused– he’d say “Do they know what organic means? It’s all organic!”) I do buy organic with much of my food but not all, and I don’t go crazy. The reason is because I used to be an insane health nut and it was the most unhealthy time of my life. I was in my late teens/twenties; I smoked a  pack of Marlboros a day; my favorite liquid was a Bloody Mary (organic tomato juice); I often threw up after consuming my curried tofu and kale, but hey, I was vegetarian! I did yoga. I also carried around a book– I’m not kidding here– it was called The Sexual Politics of Meat. I don’t know if this book is still in print but it was all about how eating meat is anti-woman.

Basically, since I got healthy, I just can’t mix up food with ethics like that ever again. This is why I can’t get all worked up when my kids waste food (thank God for composting.) Some people with a different personal history can go all organic or vegetarian and I respect that, but its just not my personal cause in this lifetime.

As far as comments that I can’t control what will happen when my kids are teenagers, I totally agree. I haven’t go a clue what wll happen. But as far as the freedom they will be getting, I have tried to give them that freedom as much as possible right now– kind of like how God put the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden; he told them not to eat from it (which I don’t do) but it was there, because they had to have free choice in order to be truly free. Yes, my kids are only 3 and 6 (9 month old still eats what I feed her) and they don’t have their own money yet, but they are allowed to pick out whatever they want at Safeway or Whole Foods, in abundance. They do have sugary cereals etc but most of the time, really, they do not choose to eat those, but having it there gives them freedom and a feeling of being in control,  I think, I hope.

Before my kids eat I always ask them (book’s instructions) How does your tummy feel? Are you hungry? What deoes hungry feel like? I tell them their tummy is the boss, not me, not the food on their plate. Not their eyes and what they see. When they eat, sometimes I ask them to describe the foood: Is it chewy? salty? crunchy? The idea is that later they will be able to identfy if they feel like eating something warm or cold, sweet or savory etc.

And I think I wrote this in the last post, but its really important not to get the kid involved in anyone else’s eating, kid or grown up. A major origin of eating disorders is when kids are trained to feed/worry about the well being of other kids or adults. Kids have enough to worry about just focusing on learning how to take care of themselves.

Read my interview with www.fitwoman.com here.