Yearly Archives: 2011

Reel Girl gets Facebook page

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Please visit it here, click “like” and suggest to your friends.

But here are some questions:

What is the point of this page? If I have my blog and my own FB page, why this? Do I do daily posts?

And…do you like Reel Girl and one word or two? I like one because its sounds kind of like a superhero, but I like the way just the words look better as two, and its harder to find in a search if its one word.

Let me know your success and failure stories with FB, Twitter etc which I am not sure I am making full use of either. What do people like on Twitter? I usually just post my blogs…

Do you think the blog address should just be www.reelgirl.com? or www.margotmagowan.com?

Visit Reel Girl on FB

THANK YOU

MM

Why would a feminist be good at housework?

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Not only do I hate housework, I’m horrible at it. Mess doesn’t bother me in some basic way it annoys other people. If I see something on the floor, I feel no strong need to pick it up.

But here’s the problem: I live with four other people in a house that fits us only if we are super organized. Our home is a Victorian built in 1911 with tiny, flat closets and no garage. Basically, zero storage space. So, though I may be missing the gene that makes you like everything in its proper place, as previously posted, I don’t like to yell at my kids and I don’t like to waste time. The antidote, I’ve slowly come to realize, is keeping life organized.

I’ve been getting lots of help in this area from a fascinating book called Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson. I bought this book years ago, not because I was interested at all in keeping house. I’d read about it on Salon and was intrigued that the author was a philosophy professor, Harvard Law grad and was also obsessed by housekeeping. Why would someone so smart care so much about housekeeping? But the book was just too huge– over 8oo pages. I only read her intro and decided this woman wasn’t just obsessed, she had OCD. Whatever I was missing, she had too much of. Clearly, a smart woman cared this much about housekeeping only because she was crazy. I stopped reading.

This all happened when I was single and lived blissfully alone in a one bedroom flat I rented. But now, I need help.

Last week, after repeated letters from the library, I finally set out to search for my kids overdue books. That’s when I came across Mendelson’s book on the shelf, covered with dust (which she wouldn’t like) ten years since I’d opened it. I’ve had it near me ever since. Quite simply, this book is saving my life. Or rather, it’s helping to give me my life back. Mendelson’s housekeeping isn’t about wasting time, it’s about saving it.  Because God knows, I don’t have hours to spend looking for my kids’ books. Who does? Or, maybe more importantly, I don’t have the energy to waste being pissed off at my kids while I’m looking. Instead, I need to conserve crucial resources (time and energy) by designating a shelf in the house where we keep the library books. I need to make sure we keep up with putting them there. Duh.

I’ll admit, I was a little worried I was so into this read. Had getting married and having kids messed up my brain? Had I developed OCD? If I did in fact do what Mendelson recommended, would I ever do anything but clean and organize? I wanted to know: What has this woman done since she wrote this massive book besides clean house? I googled her. Since 1999, Mendelson has written and published three more books– all novels. She also teaches and lectures. That sold me–  keeping house allows you to accomplish more, not less.

Not only that, something else in Mendelson’s book changed the way I think about housekeeping into something that actually inspires me. She writes that making a home a home is not about decor or furnishings. She thinks we spend too much money on all that. Nor is making a home about Martha Stewart type knick-knacks, in some nostalgic quest to make an old fashioned, homey home. Mendelson writes:

“Ironically, people are led into the error of playing house instead of keeping house by a genuine desire for home and its comforts. Nostalgia means literally, homesickness.

“What really does work to increase the feeling of having a home and its comforts is housekeeping. Housekeeping creates cleanliness, order, regularity, beauty, the conditions for health and safety, and a good place to do and feel all the things you wish and need to do in your home. Whether you live alone, with a spouse, parents and ten children, it is your housekeeping that keeps your home alive, that turns it into a small society in its own right, a vital place with its own ways and rhythms, the place where you can more be yourself than anywhere else.”

I get what she is saying– a home that functions well, that relaxes and restores you and your family, is not about presenting a perfect, finished product. What makes a home a home is the continual process of caring for it.

Sexism 101

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In the New York Times, reporter Lisa Belkin writes about sexism at Duke University:

AT Duke University last fall, members of the Sigma Nu fraternity e-mailed 300 of their female classmates about an off-campus Halloween party. “Hey Ladies,” the invitation leered, complete with a misspelling,  “Whether your dressing up as a slutty nurse, a slutty doctor, a slutty schoolgirl or just a total slut, we invite you…”

Yes, there was outrage: in the form of fliers plastered around the Duke campus reprinting the offending e-mail and asking, “Is this why you came to Duke?” And there was official indignation: The recently formed Greek Women’s Initiative will be tackling the subject of gender relations.

But a less-noted fact remains: hundreds of Duke women went to that Halloween party and many dressed as they had been asked.

As parents around the country send their children to campuses for the start of another academic year, what are we to make of the fact that lessons of equality, respect and self-worth have been heard when it comes to the classroom, but lost somewhere on the way to the clubs? Why has the pendulum swung back to a feeling that sexualization of women is fun and funny rather than insulting and uncomfortable? Why are so many women O.K. with that? Odds are that the women dancing at that Duke party had mothers who attended more than one Take Back the Night march in their college days. What has changed?

I would argue nothing has changed. It doesn’t matter how many Take Back the Night Marches there were or how many women’s studies courses got added to the curriclum. At “the top”– whether at America’s “best” schools,  largest companies, or highest levels of government– it’s one massive frat party.

There’s been so much hand-wringing in the media lately about how boys are lagging in education. More females are now graduating from law and medical school and scoring higher on tests than males. Pundits worry the pendulum is swinging in the other direction and boys are suffering. But what happens when these high achieving girls graduate? How many of them go on from their Ivy League educations to become partners in their law firms, heads of surgery, and earn equitable salaries to their male counterparts? Across the board in America, whether its law, medicine, business, politics, or the arts, males dominate by staggering statistics.

Here are some facts on American women, who make up 52% of our citizens and 46.5% of our labor force:

Women hold only 15.2% of seats on the boards of Fortune 500 companies.

Women are just 19% of partners in law firms.

Women represent 17% of the United States Congress.

Throughout our history only four women have held the office of Supreme Court Justice.

There are currently only six female governors.

Women make up 14% of all guest appearances on the influential Sunday television talk shows; among repeat guests, only 7% are women.

Only 15% of the authors on the The New York Times best seller list for nonfiction are women.

Only about 20% of op-eds in America’s newspapers are by women.

Women make up 8% of all writers of major motion pictures.

Women are 17% of all executive producers

Women are 2% of all cinematographers

Clearly, men are the ones making the rules. If women want an invite to this party, they need to know how to please the guys in charge. Thank goodness they’re learning those skills at Duke.

See my later post on this story.

Yelling or consequences: what’s your parenting MO?

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To yell or not to yell?

It takes so much mental preparation for me to get through a school morning without yelling at my kids. I’ve posted before about the steps I’ve got to go through to ensure a calm, happy morning. Basically the process involves: going to bed early (me! not only them) being super-organized (coffee prepared night before, all their clothing out including shoes and socks, backpacks all packed up and on hooks by the door etc.) And still, with all that, when they groan about getting up, complain about the way I do their hair, want to change outfits, refuse to eat breakfast, and tease each other, I struggle not to yell.

And why not yell? Most of us don’t spank– can’t we yell for God’s sake? Don’t they deserve it? Need it, even? And why is sending them off to their rooms, or some other “consequence,” a better choice anyway? Isn’t that banishment just as humiliating as being shouted at?

But here is what I have realized– I can’t yell because yelling is bad for me. If I calmly enforce the consequences, especially an automatic one that I’ve already figured out,  I stay calm. I stay OK. On the other hand, when I yell at my kids, I feel horrible. Yelling stresses my whole body out, even if it’s road rage directed at a stranger. Yelling, especially at a child, doesn’t feel right.

Why does it feel so awful? Part of the reason, I think, is because it’s using emotions to punish kids. When you yell at your kids, you’re basically telling them, teaching them (which I think I read somewhere but never really ‘got’ until recently) “I can have an even bigger tantrum than you can!” Yelling makes my emotions whip around wildly, totally dependent on my kids’ behavior. Anything they do has the potential to throw me into an tailspin.

Before I had kids, I always heard people say, about the whole parenthood thing: you stop putting yourself first. But the more I get used to being a mother, the more I realize, for me, it’s the exact opposite. For the first time in my life, I’ve got to put myself first or everyone suffers. Whatever that requires– from getting rest to eating well to negotiating a good income for myself, I need to constantly figure it out and just do it.  No excuses. It’s like when they tell you on airplanes, your best chance of avoiding disaster and saving lives is to put on your own mask, then help your child. That philosophy, generally, seems to steer me in the right direction when I get confused about which way to turn in this whole parenting labyrinth.

So instead of yelling, I send my kids to their room a lot. My husband and I also “write them down” throughout the day for positives or negatives. Every night, stars are awarded based on the lists that may be cashed in for toys when accumulated to various amounts. Its a huge pain in the ass, and I feel stupid doing it. But, at least for now, it seems to be working for everyone.

Let me know what you think, if you yell or don’t, and what substitutes you’ve come up with that preserve your emotional equilibrium.

Book investigates Disney’s global influence

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If you read Reel Girl, you know I’ve got a lot of issues with Disney’s hegemony over our kids imaginations. I’ve written about how exposure to the same old narratives, repeatedly, influences how kids brains grow.

Today WWW. TRUTH-OUT.ORG reviewed The Mouse that Roared by Henry A. Giroux and Grace Pollack (though it looks like the book came out in 2010?) I am excited to read the book though the review seems pretty academic, I am hoping the text is less wonky.


Here are some nuggets from the review:

Cuddly cartoon animals and whimsical fairy-tale stories are merely Disney’s public face. The expansive conglomerate is not limited to Disney film and theme parks. It also owns six motion picture studios, ABC television network and its 226 affiliated stations, multiple cable television networks, 227 radio stations, four music companies, three cruise lines, theatrical production companies, publishing houses, 15 magazine titles and five video game development studios. This media and culture monopoly goes unnoticed by most Americans, who just want to indulge their childhood fantasies as Disney so deftly enables with its movies, theme parks and merchandise….

The authors quote Walt Disney: “I think of a child’s mind as a blank book. During the first years of his life, much will be written on the pages. The quality of that writing will affect his life profoundly.” They demonstrate how Disney’s movies, TV shows and toys are doing a majority of that writing in this generation’s children.”

“The Mouse that Roared” also draws attention to the gender stereotypes in Disney princess movies, from older cartoons such as “The Little Mermaid” to their newest, “Enchanted.”

“Disney has become a major player in global culture, and the first casualties of its dominance in popular culture are, of course, those who are most defenseless – children,” the book warns.

Buy the book here.

The Pirate and the Princess

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My eight year old daughter brought this chapter book home from school Friday. It is amazing! I’d never heard of this spectacular series and know next to nothing about the author.

The main character is Yuri, is a sixteen year old pirate who time travels on a ship, the Eurastia, saving others in peril. Her dialogue is so brave and assertive as captain of the ship, commanding others, going bravely into danger, in the middle of reading I checked the author. I couldn’t remember ever reading about a girl act this way so consistently in a story, winning so much respect from other characters.

The author is Mio Chizuro. He (or she?) is Japanese. The book is translated into English. More as I find out more but wanted to post this info. You can buy the book here.

Obviously, this book gets a ***GGG*** rating.

Use Reality TV to take domestic violence out of the closet

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This great comment on my blog post Did Reality TV save Taylor Armstrong from author/ journalist Paula Kamen:

“A much-needed commentary, a refreshing alternative to the “Reality TV killed him” angle elsewhere. I think this is very much worth writing about because of the tremendous popularity of this show (and admittedly, its sheer addictiveness). NBC is even running other “Real Housewives” franchises during the day in its old soap slot, so it’s not limited to just cable (Bravo). It’s an opportunity to help take domestic violence out of the closet and focus on this root problem.”

Instead of wishing Reality TV would just go away, which it won’t, why not use its mass appeal to educate the public about domestic violence? Or suicide prevention? RHOBH could run PSAs, could help bring the issue of DV to light in a multitude of ways including where abusers can go to get help. Why not advocate for that instead of trying to get Reality TV off the air?

Taylor Armstrong beaten so badly she needed surgery

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TMZ is reporting:

Taylor Armstrong secretly revealed to cast members she was beaten so badly by Russell Armstrong she had to undergo surgery– and when he found out she spilled the beans, he sent Camille Grammer a threatening email…this according to multiple sources connected with the show.

The story goes on to report that Armstrong was hospitalized as a result of the beating. She tried to keep the abuse a secret but, because her face was bruised, she couldn’t show up for work and worried she’d be fired. Apparently, Armstrong confided in Camille Grammer and Kyle Richards who urged her to tell Bravo the truth about the abuse. When Taylor told Russell about her talk with her costars, he sent Grammer a threatening email.

The source for this story is TMZ which we all know is not the New York Times. But the New York Times also probably considers itself above following ‘gossip’ about Reality TV, even if the story is really about domestic violence, a drastically under-reported crime. If the TMZ story is true, it shouldn’t be hard to prove– there would be medical treatment, an email, and the reports of others on the show.

Yesterday, after reading so much media demonizing Reality TV for its role in making private ‘marital strains’ public, putting undue pressure on a quiet man who didn’t care about fame and helping to lead him to suicide, I posted: Did Reality TV save Taylor Armstrong?

Did being on Reality TV– the exposure, money, fame, and power, that came with it– help to make Taylor one of the rare women to speak out? Because she was not invisible but exposed, was she, on some level, more protected against further violence than the millions of other women? As the stats above cite, three women are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.

Obviously, I have no idea what was going on in Russell Armstrong’s head or in Taylor’s. Obviously this is all sad on many levels, but Reality TV’s role in bringing public awareness to the ‘private’ issue of domestic violence is not the tragedy in this story.