While I was reading Her Next Chapter, the new book out on mother-daughter book clubs, I got chills. Multiple times. I felt so excited because I kept getting ideas about how to talk to my daughters about issues that are important to them. Before this book, when bringing something up like bullying, it was not uncommon for me to feel uncool, out of touch, or intrusive. I am still all of those things, but now I see a bridge I can cross, or at least walk half way over to meet my kid: a mother-daughter book club.
Talking to kids can be hard when you have strong opinions or beliefs. Your children are likely to either co-opt your opinion or react against it, instead of finding the strength, courage, and sense of self to figure out what they think. That’s why parents are advised to “mirror” little kids as the best way to help them gain a stable sense of self. But what about when they’re older? How do you show children what you think, while still hearing what they have to say? Listen to them without drowning them out? Kids are not small adults, and it doesn’t work to simply say to them: “This is what I think. Now, tell me what you think?” But a mother-daughter book club can help provide the structure and safety for rewarding mother-daughter interactions around the major challenges of growing up.
In Her Next Chapter, author Lori Day shows moms how to use books to talk to their daughters. She organizes Her Next Chapter around Middle Grade or Young Adult media that deal with different important issues in a girl’s life. Categories include: Stereotypes and Sexism, Sexualization of Girlhood, body image, bullying, abuse, sexuality, power/ leadership, and girls around the globe. For each of these sections, Day recommends books, movies, and other media like TED talks or YouTube videos. She also provides excellent discussion questions.
So if you want to talk to your daughter about bullying, instead prying answers and information out of her, try picking up Stargirl. Day describes this protagonist as “unlike most girls we know in real life because she does not care what anyone thinks of her– not of how she dresses, dances, or sings.” Everyone loves her, but then the popular girls get jealous and shun her. So she tries to be more normal. That doesn’t work either. Day doesn’t spoil the ending, but writes that it’s stunning. I read the description to my ten year old daughter, and she’s totally into it. We’re both going to read the book and then talk about it. Day includes 8 discussion questions about Stargirl such as- this is all one question: “How important is it to Stargirl to be liked? What about Leo? How important is it to you to be liked?” Another question: “One of the beautiful things about Stargirl is how much she cares about bad things happening to other people, yet she seems unaware or unaffected when bad things happen to her. Do you know any girls like this? If so, how are they treated by other kids?”
My daughter is especially interested in watching the movies Day recommends in the bullying section– “Odd Girl Out” and “A League of Their Own.”
There are many great sections inHer Next Chapterby Day’s daughter, Charlotte Kugler. Kugler gives her own recommendations, for example in the Bullying section, she suggests the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield. She writes about the challenges and rewards of her book club with her mom, and how it influenced her.
Her Next Chapter takes you through the steps of how to start a real book club with multiple moms and daughters. Day shows you how to keep your club healthy and functioning at the highest level. Reading about this institution and the work it takes, I am aware I can’t fit it in my life right now. Mostly, with three daughters that are young, there’s too much going on along with finishing my own book right now. But even without committing to a whole club, I see how to use the information in Her Next Chapter for the benefit of my whole family, and that’s one of the many reasons I wanted to blog about it. I hope to do the full book club someday. It sounds like heaven, or at least, the mother-daughter incarnation of it.
As of this posting, Camp Reel Stories, a summer camp in the Bay Area that teaches girls to create media, has raised $17,350 of their $20,000 goal. They have 59 hours to raise the rest of the funds. Please help. I donated money and I hope you, too, take this opportunity to help a girl tell her story.
Camp Reel Stories believes that when women are better represented behind the scenes in the media, they will be better reflected on the screen. Camp Reel Stories is a non-profit summer program designed to empower 13-18 year old women with the skills to create their own media, to view current media critically and thoughtfully, and to aspire to leadership in their field.
Here’s a repost of my interview with Camp Reel Stories founder, Esther Pearl.
Bay Area’s Camp Reel Stories teaches girls to make movies
Last year, Esther Pearl and Zoe Boxer founded Camp Reel Stories, a media camp in the Bay Area for girls ages 13 – 18. Excited by the concept and curious about how the camp helps girls turn big dreams into practical action, I interviewed Pearl. Her responses are below. I cannot wait until my kids are old enough to experience this magical place.
What inspired you to found Camp Reel Stories?
I have worked in film and media production for 15 years, and though I really loved my work I was often disappointed in the lack of female characters on the projects I worked on and how few female colleagues I had. When I became a parent to a little girl I dug deeper into this inequity and what I found was astonishing.
From 2006 to 2009, not one female character was depicted in G-rated family films in the field of medical science, law, politics, or as a business leader. In these films, 80.5% of all working characters are male and 19.5% are female, which is a contrast to real world statistics, where women comprise 50% of the workforce[1]. Even more staggering is the fact that this ratio, as seen in family films, is the same as it was in 1946. These statistics are enormously detrimental to young women’s impressions of themselves and their perceived value in the world. While this is disheartening, this also means there is a vast untapped market for both talent and products that represent the diversity of our society.
I look at this as a great opportunity to create change in not only the lack of equity in the industry, but a creative opportunity to create new filmmakers and producers that are excited about creating characters and storylines that interest them.
My partner and I created Camp Reel Stories (CRS) as a fun way to connect young women with professional mentors, give them story telling and production skills to tell stories that reflect their unique point of view, while incorporating media literacy and leadership workshops. CRS believes that when women and girls are better reflected behind the scenes they will be better reflected on the screen.
What do you teach the girls during the sessions? What do you think they get out of their time at the camp?
Our campers get a lot! They learn filmmaking and production from leaders in the field, they take media literacy and leadership workshops. The girls work in small teams and have an adult producer that guides them the process and in just one week they write, shoot and edit a short film. Last year we had six films completed and this year we will have even more! They also have the collaboration and creative skill building process mirrored for them as they see they professional mentors work together to create not only great short films, but a fun camp experience.
How many campers attend?
In 2013 we held our inaugural camp and we had 32 campers. This year we will have 2 summer camps and can take up to 90 girls, and those spaces are filling fast. You can apply at http://campreelstories.com/apply
What do the alumni go on to do?
Thus far we have 50% of of campers signed up again this year. We have elected 2 student board members from our first cohort to the CRS board to help grow our organization. Two of CRS films were accepted into a local film festival and were screened for a huge audience just this past Friday night and other festivals have asked me to submit their work. 100% of attendees surveyed from the CRS pilot camp said through CRS they learned how gender equity in the media affects the way women are perceived in the media, 85% now view the media more critically and 92% felt more comfortable in their leadership ability, felt their skills as filmmakers improved and plan to continue making films. 20% of our campers have made changes or created an educational plan for a career in the media.
Also many of our campers have used what they learned in camp to speak to their classes and schools about gender inequity in the media, sharing knowledge about the Bechdel test and to organize screenings of films with strong female characters.
What are some examples of media that you think promotes positive images or girls and women?
This is a tough one, because as an adult and a parent of young children I have a different lens than our campers about what a positive image is. The media has made it harder and harder to decipher between a celebrity and a role model. This is something I talk about a lot with my own kids and with our campers. There is a difference between a Kardashian and an actress, it’s important to acknowledge that.
Personally I have seen a lot of films that have really interesting characters and relationships that wouldn’t always be appropriate for a younger audience and I like complicated characters. Recently I saw and loved, Enough Said, Short Term 12, The Bling Ring, Philomena and Frances Ha.
With my daughter and son I find it so hard to find interesting characters in films that we all can enjoy. We all really like the Miyazaki films and we are introducing films from awhile ago since the pickings are slim currently. Some of those are Bend it like Beckham, Black Stallion, Mary Poppins. And everyone loved Brave and Despicable Me.
The campers also seem to be able to access to Netflix, Hulu and other online resources to search out media that they can relate to. I was surprised that so many teenagers were familiar with some 80 and 90s classics, such as Breakfast Club, Harold and Maude, Amelie since they can’t find a lot of current media they can relate to.
What do you do during the rest of the year? Do you plan to expand? What are your goals for the camp?
The rest of the year is spent planning the future of Camp Reel Stories. This year we will triple in size, we will offer 2 summer camps and an afterschool program in the fall. 40% of our campers are on financial aid so I am always fundraising to make sure that anyone that wants to attend can. The films from last year have been entered in several film festivals and now are being selected and screened. I also try to collaborate with as many like minded organizations as possible.
We hope to offer camps in other locations the just the Bay Area in 2015 and we are researching those opportunities now.
What is a typical day at camp like?
Each day is a little different, but we incorporate icebreaking and leadership activities into every morning. The girls are on an accelerated schedule, so they have to get to know one another AND learn filmmaking quickly so that they can get to creating their films. Everyday they learn about some part of the creative process and immediately get hands on experience in that area. On Monday morning 30-40 girls who don’t know one another walk into a room, but the end of the day the have formed a small team and have an idea of what they want to make. That process is impressive and we are amazed at how quickly the girls can set aside their differences to get on to the creative process.
Tuesday they learn storyboarding, audio and video and work with their team to finalize their story. They also take a media literacy workshop so that they can see the direct correlation to the lack of representation both behind and in front of the camera. Wednesday they shoot, Thursday they learn to edit, and they edit a rough cut of their project and then at the end of the day show it to their fellow campers and get creative feedback. Friday they fix, by either reshooting or reediting, anything that they want and on Saturday they screen it at a Camp Reel Stories film festival which 250 people attend.
It is amazing to see these young women come out of their shell in the course of the week and I can’t wait to see what this year brings. We are restructuring a bit since we got requests for both more time to shoot and more media literacy.
It sounds like a lot of work, but we also have a lot of fun. In the end we are so proud of the work that the campers have done and the community created, not only with the campers, but with our volunteers, professional mentors and families. It’s quite exciting to see everyone fired up to create media that is more interesting and reflects the diverse fabric of our lives.
First of all, it’s not an interview. Lewinsky isn’t leaving this version up to someone else.
I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet so that I can take back my narrative and give a purpose to my past.
In the piece, she lays out her take of the damage done to her:
Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship. Any ‘abuse’ came in the aftermath, when I was made a scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position. . . . The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.
On the rumor that Hillary Clinton called her a “narcissistic loony toon,” Lewinsky responds:
If that’s the worst thing she said, I should be so lucky…Hillary Clinton wanted it on record that she was lashing out at her husband’s mistress. She may have faulted her husband for being inappropriate, but I find her impulse to blame the Woman — not only me, but herself — troubling.”
Lewinsky takes control of the language of her story, refuting Beyonce’s lyrics in her song “Partition:”
Thanks, Beyoncé, but if we’re verbing, I think you meant ‘Bill Clinton’d all on my gown,’ not ‘Monica Lewinsky’d.
Now interested in helping victims of cyberbullying, Lewinsky writes:
Thanks to the Drudge Report, I was also possibly the first person whose global humiliation was driven by the Internet.
Citing the story of Rutgers student Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide after a video was released of him kissing another man, Lewinsky writes that she, too, was suicidal. She’s not anymore.
In these excerpts, Lewinsky comes off as smart and funny. I’m impressed with how she stays committed to writing/ creating her own story. That’s not an easy task for anyone, but it’s got to be epic for Lewinsky, whose narrative has been used and co-opted by the most powerful people in the world. Not to mention, of course, the thousand year old forces of our cultural imaginary– biblical, mythical, symbolic– casting Lewinsky as the young woman seductress along with her co-star, Clinton, the powerful man brought down by lust. Of course, Bill Clinton was able to resurrect himself on the public stage. I’d love to watch Lewinsky triumph as well.
Last December, Salon did a story on why R. Kelly continues to be a star with legions of fans, in spite of the many allegations of sex abuse against him. The reporter who broke the story on R. Kelly is quoted in Salon:
DeRogatis’ response is blunt and troubling and worth reading in full. Throughout his career, DeRogatis interviewed two dozen women, sifted through “hundreds of pages of lawsuits” with nauseating details of abuse and intimidation tactics used against them, and felt the emotional rawness of women whose lives have been ruined. “The saddest fact I’ve learned is: nobody matters less to our society than young black women,” he said.
I was thinking about DeRegatis as I continue to ponder the lack of news coverage in the USA of 234 missing Nigerian girls. I’ve been asking this for years, but what if the Western world took any notice of gender Apartheid of the Taliban before 9/11? What if those women, their education level, their health, their financial state had been important to American political leaders? What if American citizens cared that women worldwide are denied human rights? What if Americans saw the lack of human rights for women as a political issue and not a cultural one?
I just saw this on Soraya Chemaly’s Facebook page.
Adiche’s quote is basically the whole reason why I started this blog. What stories get told? What stories are important? What stories matter? How do the images and narratives that we are saturated with– that our kids are saturated with– reinforce whose bodies are important and whose bodies are worth $12? What are you doing to change the stories your children hear or to train them to accept and expect a world where girls and women go missing?
If George Eliot hadn’t pretended to be male, she may never have been published at all. If J.K. Rowling hadn’t taken her publisher’s advice to obscure her gender, she may not have created the Harry Potter franchise and become a billionaire and then a millionaire because she gave so much money away. If rape survivors choose to publicly tell their stories, with their real names and photos they risk a lifelong victimization by a sexist culture.
I wish this culture didn’t make it so preferable for women to keep their stories and gender secret and hidden.
I’m grateful to every woman who publicly tells her story.
Thank you to Madeleine Smith, a graduate of Harvard University who was raped while attending college and spoke at the release of the first report of the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault. You’re a hero and you’re changing the world for women, something you can’t do without a face and a name. Other women will hear you and see you and they will choose to tell their secret stories too. Seeing you puts the shame where it belongs, back on the perpetrators.
Thank you to another hero, Ashley Sapp of the Survivor Stories Blog Interview Project. In honor of Mother’s Day, the project features an interview per day with a survivor of any form of violence against women (VAW) including domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, female genital mutilation, forced/child marriage, and sex trafficking.
When women stay silent and invisible, all women and girls are affected. We all learn that our stories– whatever they may be– are not important and don’t matter. When women tell the truth publicly, they give us all permission and inspiration to do the same.
Here’s the list of the 55 colleges under federal investigation for mishandling sexual assault. Is your college on the list? My alma mater, University of Colorado at Boulder is here. If you are also an alumna, tell the institution you will donate no funds until they take action to protect the human rights of their students. If you are a student or if your child is a student, or if you know or care about a student at one of these institutions, contact the school and make your voice heard. Do something to end the epidemic of violence against women and girls in the USA.
Two weeks ago in Chibok, a village in North Eastern Nigeria, 230 schoolgirls were kidnapped. There was no word of what happened to these missing girls until Monday when a schoolteacher, Samsn Dawah called the villagers together.
We have heard from members of the forest community where they took the girls. They said there had been mass marriages and the girls are being shared out as wives among the Boko Haram militants
My wife keeps asking me, why isn’t the government deploying every means to find our children
Did I find out about this horrific story on Google News? The front page of New York Times? The cover of Time or Newsweek? Anywhere in Time or Newsweek or a U.S. newsweekly? No. I heard about these girls sold into slavery from Gloria Steinem’s Facebook page where she posted the link with this statement:
230 schoolgirls were kidnapped in the north-eastern Nigerian village of Chibok two weeks ago and potentially sold to militants. We’re trying to make sure it gets the attention it deserves so that authorities take swift action. Please stand in solidarity with the families of the girls and spread the word! #Freeourgirls#BringBackOurGirls
When Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Nicolas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn wrote Half the Sky, they explained the need for their book:
When a prominent dissident was arrested in China, we would write a front-page article; when 100,000 girls were kidnapped and trafficked into brothels, we didn’t even consider it news.
Please don’t be passive bystander to gender Apartheid and sexual slavery– or should I just say Apartheid and slavery– in 2014. Speak out. Share this story. Sign this petition. Don’t let these girls disappear.
Here’s another quote from Half the Sky:
in the 19th century, the paramount moral challenge was slavery. In the 20th century, it was totalitarianism. In this century, it is the brutality inflicted on so many women and girls around the globe: sex trafficking, acid attacks, bride burnings and mass rape….
Misogyny is not a “cultural” issue. It’s a human rights issue. Stop the violence against women.
Please watch and share this video about putting an end to sexual assault on college campuses in the USA. (Also featuring Vice President Biden, Daniel Craig Benicio del Toro, Dulé Hill, Seth Meyers, and Steve Carell.)
The federal government on Thursday released the names of 55 colleges and universities that are under investigation for their handling of sexual violence or harassment complaints. Many of the schools responded by saying they take the allegations seriously and are evaluating their sexual-assault policies and procedures.
Thank you, President Obama, for taking action to protect the human rights of girls and women.
The Internet spreads all kinds of social ills, from cyberbullying to mainstreaming hardcore pornography, but for me, the good far outweighs the bad, because I’ve “met” people like the excellent and amazing author of Redefining Girly, Melissa Wardy. Melissa’s blog and online community are a truly invaluable resource that support protecting childhood and raising healthy kids. Now, lucky you– she’s written a book.
From author Melissa Wardy: Hi Margot and hello to all of your Reel Girl readers. I’m so thrilled to be making a stop on the Redefining Girly Blog Tour at one of the blogs that I personally really love. I hope all of you enjoy reading Margot’s thoughts on my new book Redefining Girly: How Parents Can Fight the Stereotyping and Sexualizing of Girlhood, Birth to Tween and at the end of the post find out how you can win one of two Redefine Girly t-shirt gift packs.
Melissa started her children’s clothing company, Pigtail Pals and Ballcap Buddies, not long after her daughter was born, because she couldn’t find a single onesie that showed a girl with an airplane. Really not cool, especially when she named her child after Amelia Earhart. On her site, Melissa writes:
Pigtail Pals was born in May 2009 with the mission to Redefine Girly! I believe girls need to see messages in early childhood that show females being smart, daring, and adventurous. As the saying goes, “You can’t be what you can’t see.”
What I love about Melissa is that she walks her talk. A mom can tell her daughters all day long that pretty isn’t the most important thing about them, but if she’s obsessed with her appearance and dieting, what is she showing her kids about her values? The sad truth of parenting is that actions matter more than words, and kids learn from what they experience, not from what they hear you talk at them. That, in my opinion, is the hardest thing about being a mom: trying not to be a hypocrite. Notice I write trying, which brings me to why I value Melissa’s book and believe it’s essential reading for every parent. She helps me to not be a hypocrite and– this is super important– to be kind as well. I know how to be reactive, to tell the truth and be angry about it (as Gloria Steinem famously said, “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.)” I’m not always sure how to effectively handle a sweet teacher who tells my daughter every morning how pretty she is, a “princess party” birthday invitation sent by a best friend, or a proposed “playdate” to the mall.
In 2014, the world our children live in is horribly sexist, a place where teachers, doctors, and family, often the people your children love and respect, indoctrinate them to expect and accept all kinds of gender stereotypes. But thanks to Melissa, you don’t have to cave in or isolate. You actually have choices in how you respond and act. Knowing this is liberating and calming. Melissa helps families transition from victims of gender stereotyping to creative heroes who are redefining a nd restoring childhood for our kids. For example, Melissa teaches you how to redefine girly in your own home, again by showing kids a new way with, for example, a hands on dad in the family who does laundry, by encouraging her son to play with dolls, by being a mom who uses tools and fixes things (along with cooking and cleaning), by eating desert with her kids and enjoying it. She gives advice on what to do if a friend or family member gives you hand me down clothes or toys that don’t fit with your ideal:
We’ll say “Thank you so much for thinking of us” and then politely decline or donate away items that carry messages that don’t fit with our family morals.
Simple, right? Yet, so many of us get tongue tied. Melissa’s book is full of useable, practical advice. With her signature combination of compassion and unflinching directness, Melissa gives tips for how to get friends and family on board. First, she reminds you: what you are doing is important. You are not insane. If you care about redefining girly, have no doubt that people will tell you the sexism that you see hurting children is trivial or doesn’t exist at all. Melissa writes:
Remember that you are not alone or crazy for seeing problems with the emotionally toxic ways our culture treats girls. The Resources section at the end of this book is full of alternatives, information, and the names of experts who can help. Our daughters deserve a girlhood free of harm and limitations.
Melissa lists specific tips on how to deal with criticism of your views:
Have a prepared team response you and your parenting partner will use that lets family know this is an issue you take seriously and that you want to have your wishes respected. My husband and I use “We want Amelia to be healthy and happy and we feel this is the best path to achieve that.” (We use the same message for our son.)
Have fun alternatives ready to suggest to family and friends who bring media into your home that you feel are unhealthy. This way you are not just saying no to their media, you are saying yes to healthier choices.
Have a secret signal for your kids to use so they can communicate to you that they need to ask you a question or talk to you about something later (like a baseball coach signal– helpful when a gift is given or a comment is made that your kids know goes against what you teach in your home.)
Melissa also has great one-liners that come in handy including: colors are for everyone, pretty’s got nothing to do with it, toys are made for kids not genders, there are many ways to be a boy/ girl.
Excellent sections in the book include: Encouraging kids at play– the Diverse Toy Box, Around the Kitchen Table– Fat Talk and Body Image, Using Your Voice and Consumer Power To Fight the Companies Making Major Missteps, and my favorite– Becoming the Media You Want to See.
I can’t recommend this book more. Not only will it help you redefine girly, but it shows you how to have fun and be happy while you’re changing the world. I’ve been trying to blog about this book since it came out in January and I tore through it, but it was too damn hard because I wanted to quote the entire thing. Today, I set myself a time limit and my time is up. (I only got through my notes on the first couple chapters.) So I’ll end with THANK YOU MELISSA. I think you’re about 10 years younger than me, but you’re my role model. I can’t wait to see what you do next.
From author Melissa Wardy: Thank you Margot for those wonderful words about my book. It is an honor to receive accolades from such a well-versed writer in this area but also from a woman and mom whom I highly respect. I would love to hear from your audience now and have them share either something they have learned from Redefining Girly if they have already read it, or have them describe an issue/concern they have currently with their daughter that they are hoping to learn more about when they do read the book. I’ll pick two winners to receive a Redefining Girly t-shirt gift pack (two tees + shipping). Winners will be chosen Friday May 30 at 8pm PST so make sure to get a comment in before then! Okay Reel Girl readers, what are your thoughts on Redefining Girly?”
