When your child is complaining about something you did, perhaps you were late to pick her up (there was horrible traffic), something you said embarrassed her (you just wanted to stick up for her), or you made her take music lessons ten years ago (you thought she’d be grateful), and you want so badly to respond, “I tried my best!” I invite you to pause instead.

When you say “I tried my best” to your child, the subtext can be: Give me empathy. You’re shifting the conversation from her inner world to yours and centering yourself.

Yes, you tried your best and she suffered. Both are true.

You don’t have to agree with your child’s interpretation. You don’t have to decide you did something wrong. You don’t have to abandon your own needs. You’re asking yourself: Do I have the capacity to listen to my child’s experience right now? To center her?

Because of the inherent power dynamic between parent and child, when you choose to show up for your kid with curiosity, openness, and compassion instead of immediately defending yourself, you give her real-life experience that her needs matter. She experiences her inner world is valuable and important. You can help meet her needs for authenticity, safety, and belonging. This kind of consistent coregulation gives her a foundation for navigating relationships and choices throughout her life.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), everyone’s needs matter.

So what about your inner world? What about your needs to matter, to be seen, heard, understood, appreciated, respected, and to experience shared reality?

I invite you to find strategies to meet your beautiful needs that don’t ask your child to take care of your emotional experience. Maybe talk to a friend, a therapist, a coach, or your partner, go for a walk or write in a journal. What resources you? Pursue that. And maybe, at some point, sharing your why, your intention, with your kid will be appropriate. But hopefully, that’s a time you consciously choose, after you’ve made room for her pain, with her consent to hear.

To learn more about Nonviolent Communication and my parent coaching, please visit my site Listen2Connect