A couple weeks ago, when I wrote a post about childfree women, I got this comment:
Thank you! I decided to be and stay childfree for the following reason: I’m asexual. The very thought of getting so close to a person repulses me. Also, I don’t like kids that much. But when people ask you this when you get a new job then that’s just horrible and a bit sad that they focus their attention towards this (you can’t get fired where I live if you get pregnant so that’s not a problem). Btw, I’m not outet do anyone but my closest friends so I guess even my parents might start asking questions…
I was intrigued by this comment, because I hadn’t heard anyone identify themselves as asexual before. I was also interested her phraseology, that she wasn’t “out” to anyone but her closest friends. That sounds like how people talk about being gay. I wondered: is asexuality is an orientation? And if so, how come I’ve never heard of it? If I thought asexuality existed at all, I imagined it was a phase, a result of some kind of trauma, something to be healed.
Because this is 2013, all I needed was Google to tell me how biased and ignorant I am.
Asexuality has 833,000 Google matches, not much compared to homosexuality at almost 27 million, but nothing to sneeze at.
An asexual person is defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Asexuality differs from celibacy in that it is not a choice. Everything I found on the internet reports that asexuality is an orientation, not a defect. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else. They also can find people aesthetically attractive but still are not sexually attracted to them. They often have a romantic orientation. Emotional and romantic attraction are not the same as sexual attraction.Here is how the Asexuality Visibility Network describes it:
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.
Most asexual people have been asexual for their entire lives. It is not something that develops. It can be isolating and lonely to be asexual, but it doesn’t have to be. The key, as with everything, seems to be self-acceptance. Asexual people are often happy with who they are and many of them are also in long term, intimate but asexual relationships. Some are with sexual partners, but from what I’ve read so far, I don’t really get how that works. It seems to be a pretty individual thing.
After I read about asexuality, I was at a party and asked some people there about what I learned. No one I talked to had heard anything about asexuality. This group, by the way, included academics well versed in jargon like “heteronormative.”
To me, it seems like asexuality is further evidence that identity is far more complex and varied than we make it out to me. The way that many of us have one, rigid lens of looking at asexual people (as dysfunctional) that is so inaccurate, makes me think of the limited way people look at gender roles, so certain of ridiculous assumptions.
My guess is that we will be hearing more about asexuality in the future.
Ah, thanks for this entry … because of my comment? Sorry for not replying to that reply.
I learned to accept that I can’t fit in with “the norm”. Then again, I rebelled early on when my grandmother forbade me whistling because “girls don’t whistle”.
I accepted being asexual after forcing myself into a relationship that made me unhappy because I don’t like being touched. I don’t like kissing (I never experienced any jittery feelings after a kiss – it really does nothing for me).
Unfortunately the media projects that you have to be in a relationship to be really happy – which really annoys me sometimes because … I’m happy with myself. I’m feeling better about not being in a relationship. Relationships make me feel like a caged animal.
I hope that helps you in some way?
hi Kara,
thanks for your comment and for inspiring my post and better understanding.
MM
I had no idea assexuality was this unknown. o.O
Hi Aninha,
Maybe its only me and my friends, but we think of ourselves as pretty informed on these kinds of issues.
MM
It should really be more mainstream once homophobia is less prevalent.
I’m with aninha. This is kind of a “welcome to the internet” and “welcome to gender and sexuality studies” moment.
Hi Cat,
I’m 44 so maybe that’s it, no asexuality mentioned back in the old days of sexuality classes at NYU
MM
Ha! That’s funny because I’m at NYU now and I actually took a gender and sexuality class.
Hi Cat,
In that class, is asexuality part of the discussion, in the same way that homosexuality and heterosexuality are? Maybe it is a generational thing. (I loved NYU, so fun and I learned so much…)
MM
I took it a while ago so I don’t have a clear memory of it. It was partially a history class, so of course we spent more time on the standard texts. I feel like if you spend enough time on the internet you just come across people who identify with every orientation, preference, and fetish you could conceive of.
One of my work colleagues is asexual and very open about it. I guess because I’ve known about it for years through him I don’t think much about it but yes I suppose it’s not well known.