Just after my 16 year old and I finished a college tour, she got a text from her older sister that she’d broken up with her boyfriend. She wrote back: Is this a prank?

We didn’t believe it was true because they seemed so in love and so happy. The text was not a prank and my daughter shared more of the complicated story about why and how she’d made her decision. I’m impressed by my daughter’s insight, awareness, and health. I wish I had that level of maturity at 22. And I’m so sad! I’m sad because I liked this guy and I’ll miss him. I wanted it to work out. I wish I could fix it.

Even after all I’ve learned—connect, don’t fix is my mantra—I would still love magical powers to skip over the pain, my pain, her’s and his too. I’d like to tell him exactly what to do to make everything better. Just a little advice. I want to go where I don’t belong to meet my own needs for comfort, ease, and joy.

I’m grateful I’ve learned Compassionate Communication and know how to differentiate my needs from her own, and also to have the self-compassion skills to feel what I’m feeling. And it hurts!! This is my first experience as a mom in this situation. Please share your stories if you have any.

If you’re interested in learning more about Compassionate Communication—also called Nonviolent Communication and Heart-Centered Communication—please check out my new web site Listen2connect. In the “About” section, you’ll see the story of what happened with my daughter and me that completely changed my life and led me to become a parent coach.

In the “Media” section of my site, you can listen to recent podcasts I’ve guested on: What happens when a seasoned debater embraces the compassionate lens of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)? In this episode, I’m joined by writer and commentator Margot Magowan, who has debated on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, and “Good Morning America”—and now finds herself navigating the delicate intersection between advocacy and empathy.

You can follow my coaching/ parenting on Instagram @listen2connectcoach and Substack @listen2connect.

Here’s a cut and paste of my story:

I discovered Nonviolent Communication when my own parenting felt stuck in cycles of frustration and disconnection.

When my daughter was struggling with behavioral health challenges I often resorted to yelling, arguing, and threats. I was scared for her health and safety. I didn’t know how to regulate my own emotions and show up as the resourceful, strong, connected parent she needed.

Over the next several years, my daughter had access to all kinds of mental health treatment including wilderness therapy, residential therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy, hospital stays, psychiatry, and a seemingly endless rotation of medications.

During that time, my husband and I started to learn Nonviolent Communication. I was intrigued by NVC but the skill set seemed like such a radically different modality than what we were learning from all the mental health experts. Rather than boundaries, rules, and consequences, NVC prioritized curiosity, compassion, and presence. I wasn’t sure if I trusted NVC or believed in it. I didn’t know if it would “work.”

Then my daughter was in a devastating car accident where she broke her neck. While my husband took care of our two younger daughters in San Francisco, I went to live with her in Utah as she rehabilitated. I finally decided to take the risk to fully embrace the compassionate listening skills taught in NVC. Nothing else was having the impact on my daughter’s health and safety that I kept hoping for. I realized NVC was something I could choose to do, that it was in my power to change my behavior, rather than continually focusing on how to “fix” my child.

When I met my daughter with curiosity, everything started to change. Instead of closing herself off in her room, she started talking to me about what she was feeling and thinking. I could sense her begin to trust me and open up. NVC teaches that these kind of relational shifts can happen when your child experiences inner safety. I felt so grateful that I was getting another chance to know her, to meet her where she was. During those weeks, she decided to start studying for her GED. As she took steps to focus on what she wanted, I learned to support her on her path instead of evaluating or judging how “successful” or “safe” I thought her choices were.

After that trip, I committed to fully immersing myself in NVC. I spent the next four years training with leading NVC teachers including Oren Jay Sofer, Roxy Manning, Ranji Ariaratnam, Kathy Simon, Kathleen Macferran, Sarah Peyton, Newt Bailey, John Kinyon, and Miki Kashtan.

My daughter did her own work as well, and now she’s thriving. She’s back in San Francisco, living in her own apartment, working, going to school, truly happy and engaged in life. All of her relationships are healthy and fulfilling. She’s also medication free except for ADHD meds. I know recovery isn’t a perfect line, challenges will arise, but what’s so different now is we have skills to stay connected, grounded, and centered through any ups and downs.

As I studied and practiced NVC, not only did my relationship with my daughter change, but all of my relationships became healthier, too. While my younger daughters didn’t experience the behavioral challenges my oldest did, they benefited by getting a more empathic, connected, calm mother. Recently, my sixteen year old shared that she now understands no one can “make you feel” a certain way, how emotions rise and pass, and that she wishes more kids her age could know what she does now.

I became a parent coach because NVC had such a profound and dramatic effect on my family, I want more parents get access to these life-changing skills more quickly and easily than I did. My hope is to support other families in avoiding some of the rabbit holes we went down that cost our family enormous resources of time, money, and energy. Listening to your kids is a such a game changer and a completely teachable skill, yet not enough parents know how.

NVC doesn’t just transform relationships—it transforms leadership. As a nonprofit founder, writer, and activist, I used to struggle with disagreement. I didn’t know how to challenge someone’s views without demonizing them. Just as I couldn’t really hear my kids, I couldn’t hear people who were offended by gay marriage or opposed to reproductive rights. NVC taught me to recognize universal human needs and to respond to others with more openness, empathy, and creativity in finding effective strategies to meet those common needs.

I can’t think of a more urgently needed skill set in the world today.